writing

Pushing forward

by 2clouds

When I hit a wall (a mental one) I sometimes feel like banging my head against it, sliding down to the floor, and just sitting there for a while. Yes, that is the image I have in my mind.

I’m not about to give up, mind you. I am taking a break, gathering my strength, and taking the time to examine what is keeping me from continuing or why that wall is there, to begin with.

Lately, this wall has kept me from posting here. But as I mentioned yesterday, for far longer it has kept me from pursuing my creative writing.

I think one of the problems is a lack of focus. I have my job, my freelance work, my life outside of work, a desire to finally write that story (whichever it will eventually turn out to be), and to also work on this blog.

I can’t do it all at once without making sacrifices. The easiest sacrifice in my case has been to put aside my creative pursuits. In fairness, I do consider this blog a part of my creative pursuits and it is also intended to become a platform for my more creative writing instead of just musings on whatever or a place where I will eventually also write more about traveling.

In a way, this blog is currently my creative outlet whilst I am hoping to eventually get the juices flowing on novel writing.

But when I am mentally exhausted, I also end up not writing here either. And that’s when I start feeling guilty, which is idiotic. I do need breaks. We all do. I can’t feel guilty for putting something on hold whilst I gather my strength to continue pushing forward.

The wall I hit didn’t just appear out of nowhere. A part of me built it brick by brick, eventually stopping me in my tracks.

I put up the wall in an effort to stop myself. We all have our coping mechanisms. I rather not have a wall there to begin with. So, why is it there?

Because my life has become unbalanced. My job can be quite demanding and eat up much more time than the part-time hours my contract includes. Whilst I get overtime, I also become exhausted because this isn’t exactly what I want.

I have my assignments from clients to complete as well. Eventually, I am too tired to work on anything else I care about, don’t make time for my friends either, and end up on my sofa wanting the world to go away.

Since Easter, work has eased up somewhat and I have enjoyed more time with my friends and taking a bit of a mental health break from everything. Balance feels restored once more, which is also why I am back here posting.

And not just that, but also thinking of how I can improve this blog to become what I want it to be. I’m planning on re-working the current design.

As I mentioned yesterday, I have been watching content on YouTube from the same group of creators and eventually ended up wondering why I am so attracted to what they are doing. It’s not just about the insights they are sharing but also about their style. All of them are minimalists in some way and/or passionate about their topics.

I called this blog ‘Story of my life for a reason, and I need it to reflect that in a way that it currently isn’t. And that means I have to put in the work.

I appreciate every one of you who continues to check in here with me. I will be honest, I do want this to be a passion project where I don’t just ramble about myself. I want to share things that are of value. I want this place to grow.

Let’s see where the journey goes as I keep pushing ahead.

Do I suffer from writer’s block?

by 2clouds

I am legitimately asking myself this question. I’ve not done any creative writing since the outbreak of the pandemic. Not the kind I want to do anyway.

No ideas. No drive.

There seems to be a distinct lack of will or desire to sit down and wrack my brain for words that might conceivably end up becoming a story. Indeed, whilst I have had plenty of ideas in the past, nothing has excited me for a long time.

The pandemic, the lockdowns, isolation, the money worries – they all played their part, of course. None of it helped to motivate me to write creatively.

Yet, I still write. I try to post here (though we have seen that lately, I have not been as consistent as I wanted to be), and I also journal (also not exactly frequently).

Plus, there is my freelance writing, which helps pay the bills.

Maybe I am suffering from a creative block?

I know it isn’t so much the work of sitting down and putting words on paper. The problem is a lack of ideas. Or more specifically that nothing I come up with truly excites me.

I always jot down ideas. And never pursue them.

It’s not a lack of wanting to write, though. When I read Neil Gaiman, I want to write. Same for other writers I truly enjoy. They make me want to write. But what do I write when nothing comes to mind?

Putting one word after another isn’t going to cut it if they don’t make a coherent whole.

Let me digress for a moment. Lately, I have spent hours watching YouTube videos, but it turns out that I haven’t been doing so just randomly. I have been seeking inspiration and solutions. I watch the content I enjoy. And I have realized that seeking out creators whose content I enjoy is a manner of seeking out what seems to work. I want to figure out why it works.

Why do these creators appeal to me? What is it about their content that speaks to me? If I gave you a playlist of everyone whose content I watched lately, you’d find a surprisingly common theme in style, manner, and topics.

So, today I sat and pondered what everyone whose content I’ve been enjoying lately has in common and why they appeal to me. It is quite striking when you become aware of it.

Whilst it hasn’t quite cured my creative block, I am at least here now to post this. And it has got me thinking about my blog as well.

But more on that tomorrow. I still need to do more thinking.

A work in progress

by 2clouds

I went to work early today to use the Internet here and get some work done. Yeah, when you have a job situation like mine, sentences sometimes sound like that. They seem to make little sense to someone outside of the situation.

I have a job at the Elbphilharmonie Concert Hall in Hamburg. Part-time, which means I go three or four times a week.

And there is my freelance work, which I do from home. Though it seems to veer into a side hustling situation as well, so that I may diversify my income some more. Working on that. Or rather, thinking on it for the time being.

Having been offline for the last few days – more or less anyway – I have not had much opportunity to further my research.

What I did realize is that I need to work on this blog more. I don’t think I can make it quite as diverse as I initially planned or hoped to do. Oddly, these things seem to develop a life of their own and I have found myself drifting in the direction that I am currently taking. Talking a lot about personal growth and stuff.

So, my blog is as much a work in progress as I am.

Indeed, with every bit of personal growth and development, I go through, so this blog continues to develop. I share my experiences and thoughts here and you are allowed to make of that what you like.

When I started out, I wanted to make regular posts on a variety of topics that interest me. But my focus has become much narrower than that. And with everything else that’s been happening, I lost focus for a while.

Now that I have regained it, it has become narrower even than before, though I plan on widening it again somewhat.

I’d like for you to join me. I appreciate some company, thoughts, insights, whatever you wish to share. And, perhaps, your support as well.

The view from the office today

A busy week

by 2clouds

Last week I had no freelance work to do at all. I had a few shifts at my job, but a lot of time to myself besides that.

I sometimes struggle to make the most of my time. And I am not talking about being productive all the time. I see no sense in that and it would make my life miserable if I were to measure it in terms of productivity.

But when I find myself idle, not feeling like reading, mindlessly browsing through YouTube and getting the same five videos recommended over and over again, not watching anything in particular on TV, and just going through the motions, I do wonder how to better use my time.

I have tried to keep a schedule and appoint time slots for the things I want to do. Thus far, it hasn’t stuck. I might have to try to use an actual paper calendar, though that didn’t stick in the past either. But I really don’t want to keep checking my phone for what I had planned to do next. If anything, I want to reduce my screen time.

Whilst the schedule-keeping is not really my cup of tea, it did give me a better feeling of how much time I have every day and that I am able to use it better than just idling about and doing things when I feel like doing them.

For the longest time as a freelancer, I have kept a rough schedule, at least, and that has never faltered. Not when I have a shift in the afternoon, not during the long months of lockdown, not on my days off (unless I have a proper day off from everything).

Now, as I am also giving this blog more focus, I have to make time for it.

Today, I have written an article for my client. Now I’m doing this. In about an hour, I will head out to work, returning only after midnight.

This will be my schedule until Thursday. On Friday I will take a day off from everything. On Saturday I will at least return to this blog. On Sunday I will have a very long day at work.

In other words, I do have a busy week ahead, which I prefer to too much time to myself. Or rather, idle time.

Don’t get me wrong, I am an introvert, I need me-time. Enough to balance the time I spend at my job. And then some if possible.

But I also like to have something to do during that time. If that is freelance work, great. I need to make a living and have some savings available. If I get to use that time to fall into a book, awesome. And now that I work much more on this blog, I can always sit down and do that.

Yet sometimes I don’t want to do any of these things. I might grab my phone for the umpteenth time and put it away again with a sigh as there is nothing new to discover. Sitting and not doing anything is not something that comes to me easily.

Sometimes, when I truly need it. Like those times when I sit in the window, enjoying some peace and quiet time. But when I have had my fill, I need more than that.

So, I keep busy. Not always the kind of busy I would prefer if I were financially stable or (eventually) independent. But mostly a good kind of busy.

There is the stressful kind as well, where you always rush to keep up with a schedule set by someone else. I choose the busyness on my own terms. Not on someone else’s. That’s a huge difference and something we should all strive for. It is an important step towards that work/life balance that is so often talked about.

Constant distraction

by 2clouds

When you have little to nothing to do, it is fascinating to observe yourself seeking constant distraction.

So, I had the last two days off. On Monday, I was tired and suffering from a sleep deficit. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything and only did the bare minimum.

Yesterday, I felt much better, having rested enough, and went about my day, running errands, going for a ride, doing laundry, and whatever else one does. I didn’t work. And I didn’t really write either.

But I noticed how every distraction seemed to be welcome. The TV was on and off, I read articles about random stuff, watched the news, scrolled through social media, watched a bunch of YouTube videos, and overall felt really quite restless.

I didn’t stick with anything for very long and was somewhat annoyed with myself. None of it ultimately mattered in any way. I didn’t learn anything very useful, though I didn’t feel like my day was wasted entirely as I did do some things that needed doing and I went on an enjoyable ride.

My mind feels restless still. I don’t seem to be able to concentrate and whilst I feel like I want to just read or something to focus my mind better, my thoughts keep straying.

At least, I switched my phone off. And I have to go to work today, even though I don’t really feel like it right now. It’ll be fine once I get there because it always is, but for now, I keep feeling restless and somewhat useless.

I decided to sit down and write about it just so I have something to focus me for a little while. The thing is also that my mind feels cluttered, and I know I need a break from this constant input I’m subjecting myself to. Watching a million videos on YouTube isn’t going to help. Just scrolling through all the recommended videos is too much, really.

What I need to do is close my eyes for a moment, let this clutter go from my mind, and perhaps read a chapter of the book I’m currently reading.

I mean, what do you do when you can concentrate, and your mind seeks distraction at every turn? Stop yourself and stare at a wall? Do you force yourself to do something specific or nothing at all?

Right now, quiet should help. Because everything else is making it worse. And I really don’t need this constant distraction. I need focus and clarity.

Not every day is a good day

by 2clouds

Live anyway.

That’s today’s motto, I suppose.

I’m tired. I probably have a sleep deficit from my long shifts this weekend and I woke straight out of a vivid dream that left me irritated.

I went for a brief walk to deposit of some things and felt somewhat better after. The sun is out again, spring is becoming more and more visible. It really should be quite an enjoyable day, especially since I have off.

But this tiredness is a drag and makes this day feel like a wasted opportunity. An opportunity to do what, though?

Am I missing out on anything right now? Could I be more productive? Is there anything I really should be doing today?

I could easily answer all these questions with a ‘yes’, but then what? Is there truly anything I am missing out on? Do I want to be doing anything other than what I am doing this instant?

No. Not really. I am writing right now. I might be tired, and my eyes feel like they are in dire need of rest, but I can still do this, and it is better than the alternative, which really would be doing nothing at all.

As for productivity, that’s another can of worms right there. We’re not born to be productive. And the meaning of life is not found in increased productivity. None of us should be measured by how productive we are.

That said, productivity can be a means to an end, but it should be healthy and employed in such a way that it doesn’t make us feel as if we are always just hustling or trying to catch up in some way. I have more thoughts on the matter, which I still have to sort through before writing about them further.

Not every day is a good day. But this too shall pass.

Thankfully, we inevitably move forward in time. That is the nature of how we perceive this universe and at the end of today, a new tomorrow awaits. Maybe tomorrow won’t be a particularly good day either. Not every day will shine or be spectacular. It will be different, though.

If you are worried about today, whether you have wasted your time, simply caught an opportunity to rest, or if you have missed out on something, ask yourself whether this will still matter next week. Do you really think that in ten days’ time you will look back on today and wonder what the lull was about or tell yourself that you could have done better? Do you still remember last week’s bad day(s)? Does it still matter?

We live through the bad days one at a time. Just as we do with the good days.

And by the way, saying that it could be worse (which is usually true but utterly useless), won’t make anything better either. Whatever any given day might feel like – good, bad, wasted, full of opportunities – we still have to live each day as it comes. We make the best of it and move on to the next.

Sitting in the window

by 2clouds

I have a windowsill that is wide enough for me to sit on. When I don’t use it as a seat, I plant lives here and a few lights that I use when it gets dark.

It’s not the comfiest place to sit, especially since it isn’t super wide. But I like it as I don’t have a balcony and I get to watch out. I can see the sunset in the evenings, watch the traffic or people walking by, or I work on my laptop enjoying the natural light.

I usually sit here every day at least at some point and I’m doing so right now. Watching people walk their dogs is a much better distraction than whatever is on TV.

It is also a good place for some thinking. When you have nothing much else to do and watch the world pass by your window, you have room to contemplate, commiserate or plan.

If I don’t have my laptop on my lap, it is actually also an excellent spot to get away from work for a bit. Even on rainy days. Or perhaps, especially on rainy days.

I didn’t write yesterday. For some reason, I thought I might have scheduled a post on Friday, but I hadn’t and only realized today that I ended up skipping on posting yesterday.

There are plenty of things I want to write about, so it’s not a lack of topics that kept me from writing. It was simply a false assumption and ultimately I wasn’t worried about it.

Today, I thought I should write again, though I also realized I didn’t want to get into anything too deep. I started writing about something else but deleted the paragraph almost immediately because it would have involved more thinking than I felt up to on a Sunday morning.

I worked late last night, and I am off to work again soon. I will enjoy the sunny weather on the way to work. And writing another blog just doesn’t seem that important right now. I want to enjoy the sun, the fresh air and mentally prepare for another shift.

It is important to me to keep up with this blog and not let things slide again, but there are times when feeling the sun on your skin and not overthinking anything is more important. This, too, is self-care.

I will be back here tomorrow and find another topic to write about.

For now, I will sit here in quiet for a few more minutes and later jump on my bicycle and have a lovely ride to work with not a care in the world.

When it matters

by 2clouds

I doubt myself a lot. We all do, I suppose. Unless you’re of the rare breed of people who have a ton of unearned confidence.

I mostly doubt my writing. Especially when it matters; anytime I have to prove I can write.

I’m afraid I won’t have any good ideas. Or my writing will sound contrived. Too idiosyncratic. Or I’m not capturing the voice the client is looking for.

There are dozens of reasons in which my writing could be found wanting. I choke. I end up feeling paralyzed, wondering how I ever managed to put a single word down. How I will ever manage again.

My head empties of all words and ideas.

It is quite awful. Though I wouldn’t necessarily call it writer’s block. I still want to write, and I still know how to. It’s just that this doubt becomes overpowering just for a minute or two.

Then I pull myself together. I remember what is at stake and I get to work. If a client isn’t satisfied, they will either give me pointers to allow me to adapt my work accordingly, or we part ways.

At the end of the day, I can only improve. All writing I do is a learning experience. This is also true for every article I publish here. Sometimes I feel as if I am just rambling incoherently. I certainly hope that’s not the case and I do proof-read my articles before I publish them. At least, to catch any typos and make sure that there is some sort of structure or thought one can follow.

When it comes to freelance writing, I often get guidelines to follow, which I simply must stick to and do my best.

Right now, I must find new writing gigs as my current client is still not providing new assignments. I have to make ends meet next month and beyond. So, I will have to bite the bullet and submit writing examples to be judged accordingly.

I know I can work something out. I may doubt myself in some ways (as we all do), but I have never doubted my capacity to keep going. In German, we have the word ‘Urvertrauen’, which is basically a deep-seated faith that there is a way. I have always had a lot of that.

I know I can trust in my abilities. Any writer is critical of their writing. Any poet, painter, artist of any kind is their own worst critic. I know there is plenty of room to learn and improve as well. But I’ve been doing this for eight years, sometimes even full-time.

I can do this. I will do this. I must.

How’s this for a pep talk, ey?

Freelance anxiety

by 2clouds

I suppose this is what you might call the feeling you get when you are in danger of losing a client. It’s not pleasant. There is an element of existential dread because your clients are your source of income. And when you lose one, your income shrinks.

I’m a freelance writer. I have currently one main client I am working for, and it’s been a good working relationship for over six years. Sometimes there has been more work, other times less. They’ve gone through changes as well since they’ve been swallowed by bigger companies several times over the years.

But my main contact has remained the same and he always wanted me to stay on board, which I was happy to do.

Last year, in the wake of the pandemic, I had to let go of a client who had become unreachable and only paid my invoices after I had to remind him repeatedly. He always did pay but having to chase my money made me so anxious that I didn’t want to deal with him anymore. Plus, he never explained what happened.

That left me with one main client as well as another one who only sporadically requested content from me. I made it work and ended up getting enough assignments from my main client to keep going.

After the latest change on their end, I received a new contract to work as a freelance contractor and a set new hourly rate, which is what they preferred to work with. That was fine by me and for the last few months, this has been working quite nicely. I log my hours with my main contact, whom I’ve been working with for such a long time now and things seemed to go smoothly.

But now it has been three weeks since my last assignment and I’ve almost completed the work I was given to keep me going when nothing more urgent was coming in. Once I will have submitted that, I am out of work and that does not feel good.

Thus far, I have always received new assignments, even when work was slow on their end. And I am still meeting the minimum income threshold that I have set myself for my freelance work. But I have no security beyond that.

My other job earns me enough to pay all my bills. So that is covered. But since I work only part-time, it doesn’t earn me enough to help save money for the more pleasant things in life. I can make do for a while. But that’s really not where I want to be right now.

I need more work. I need other streams of income. Perhaps new clients. Or, ideally, I make money with my own blog, right here.

It takes time to build an audience, however. And even more so one that is willing to support your work. I want to offer something that is of value to someone. Ideally, to more than just someone but to many people.

Apart from these musings I have been sharing these last few days, this blog is also meant to provide actual content about minimalism, traveling, and photography. And there is the creative writing I ought to be doing.

I guess I’m going to have to stop musing and get started writing.

Staying focussed

by 2clouds

Distractions are everywhere. And our monkey brains are only too happy to follow each and every one of them.

Staying focused can be difficult. It requires us to be mindful. We must exert as much control as we can upon our immediate environment to avoid distractions.

I just switched on the ‘Focus’ function in Word. I’ve never done this before. I have noticed the little button at the bottom of the document, but I’ve never clicked on it. But since I literally just started writing this blog, I decided to see what happens when I do.

It enlarged the page I am working on to cover the screen entirely with only black margins on each side. I still get a little ‘x’ to exit out of this view in the top right-hand corner, but that’s about it.

This option eliminates at least visual distractions from my workspace on my laptop. I don’t see the navigation menu at the bottom, which takes me to my email or the open browser.

Out of sight, out of mind?

Perhaps. Until my monkey brain is fed up with staring at the page (in such cases that words don’t come easily or at all). Then I would probably minimize the document and seek distractions online. They are, after all, far more entertaining than an empty page.

But as I am writing this, I find this feature to be quite useful. Just now I found myself glancing at the corner where the time is normally visible. Why? Because the time is important right now? Or because I want to know how much time I have spent writing? Does it matter?

Earlier, I’ve turned off the Wi-Fi on my phone and put it away. Another distraction put aside. I have no need to check messages or social media right now, so I am making the effort of keeping my phone – this massive source of distraction – far away. It helps.

Depending on the writing I’m doing, I’d be better off switching off my Wi-Fi on my laptop as well. If I then wanted to check the news or go on a random research bout, I’d have to switch it back on again to connect to the Internet. Whilst not a difficult step to take, it might make me pause just for a moment as to why I feel the need to do this now and whether it is such a good idea.

If you leave your connection on, emails are certain to pop up sooner or later and it does require a bit more of a mental effort to withstand the temptation to move over to your browser. That is what I am doing right now, and it feels very conscious. As in, my connection is active and because I am writing about this topic, the idea of switching over using the combination of just two keys on my keyboard looms massively in my mind.

It would be so easy, but I am not going to fall for this trap. Because I am writing right now on the topic of staying focussed.

Of course, the Internet isn’t the only distraction I am referring to. Considering the goals I have, there is a host of other distractions I could succumb to. And inevitably will at some point.

My job is a distraction from my goal of writing. My sofa is a distraction from my goal of working out more. The TV is a distraction from reading. Shopping for my ideal travel backpack is a distraction from saving money.

Some distractions we can eliminate. Others we have to actively evade. I’m not going to throw my TV out, but I can leave it switched off. I will keep looking for that ideal travel backpack, but I am not going to hit purchase on an impulse buy anytime soon. I will set aside time for writing any opportunity I get. And I will not lounge on the sofa until I have done my workout.

Staying focussed is chiefly a mission of being as mindful as possible. It’s not a battle we will always win. I know my vices. I can work around them most of the time, but I also don’t feel the need to try and eliminate them entirely. As long as they don’t keep me from doing what I want to do.

And there are ways we can make it easier on ourselves. By using the ‘Focus’ function, leaving the phone out of reach and switching things off when we don’t need them.

When I actively work on my focus, I also become very conscious of my thoughts straying here and there, seeking distractions, or wondering about the time or my messages or whatever. It’s a strange sensation to become aware of, especially since I don’t give in.

Perhaps this is part of the dopamine detox everyone talks about?

Interesting…