taking a break

Pushing forward

by 2clouds

When I hit a wall (a mental one) I sometimes feel like banging my head against it, sliding down to the floor, and just sitting there for a while. Yes, that is the image I have in my mind.

I’m not about to give up, mind you. I am taking a break, gathering my strength, and taking the time to examine what is keeping me from continuing or why that wall is there, to begin with.

Lately, this wall has kept me from posting here. But as I mentioned yesterday, for far longer it has kept me from pursuing my creative writing.

I think one of the problems is a lack of focus. I have my job, my freelance work, my life outside of work, a desire to finally write that story (whichever it will eventually turn out to be), and to also work on this blog.

I can’t do it all at once without making sacrifices. The easiest sacrifice in my case has been to put aside my creative pursuits. In fairness, I do consider this blog a part of my creative pursuits and it is also intended to become a platform for my more creative writing instead of just musings on whatever or a place where I will eventually also write more about traveling.

In a way, this blog is currently my creative outlet whilst I am hoping to eventually get the juices flowing on novel writing.

But when I am mentally exhausted, I also end up not writing here either. And that’s when I start feeling guilty, which is idiotic. I do need breaks. We all do. I can’t feel guilty for putting something on hold whilst I gather my strength to continue pushing forward.

The wall I hit didn’t just appear out of nowhere. A part of me built it brick by brick, eventually stopping me in my tracks.

I put up the wall in an effort to stop myself. We all have our coping mechanisms. I rather not have a wall there to begin with. So, why is it there?

Because my life has become unbalanced. My job can be quite demanding and eat up much more time than the part-time hours my contract includes. Whilst I get overtime, I also become exhausted because this isn’t exactly what I want.

I have my assignments from clients to complete as well. Eventually, I am too tired to work on anything else I care about, don’t make time for my friends either, and end up on my sofa wanting the world to go away.

Since Easter, work has eased up somewhat and I have enjoyed more time with my friends and taking a bit of a mental health break from everything. Balance feels restored once more, which is also why I am back here posting.

And not just that, but also thinking of how I can improve this blog to become what I want it to be. I’m planning on re-working the current design.

As I mentioned yesterday, I have been watching content on YouTube from the same group of creators and eventually ended up wondering why I am so attracted to what they are doing. It’s not just about the insights they are sharing but also about their style. All of them are minimalists in some way and/or passionate about their topics.

I called this blog ‘Story of my life for a reason, and I need it to reflect that in a way that it currently isn’t. And that means I have to put in the work.

I appreciate every one of you who continues to check in here with me. I will be honest, I do want this to be a passion project where I don’t just ramble about myself. I want to share things that are of value. I want this place to grow.

Let’s see where the journey goes as I keep pushing ahead.

You live for yourself first

by 2clouds

It sounds simple. It also sounds selfish. But it is true and necessary. It is something I need to remind myself of surprisingly often.

Of course, I’m not out to promote selfishness. That’s not what this is about. The simple fact of the matter is that we shouldn’t neglect ourselves.

Today, once again, I feel tired. I have another long shift ahead of me at work, which means I likely won’t be home before 1am. That means I’m likely in bed by 2 if I don’t collapse earlier than that.

Tomorrow the same. And I have a work Zoom call in the late morning that may last a little longer than usual as there is much to discuss. Then I head out once again.

I know I’m going to be fine, probably even energized when I get to work later today. Tomorrow probably not so much anymore. But I will manage either way. The price will be paid on Friday when I will be too exhausted to get much of anything done, even though I will still have obligations.

When I feel this sort of exhaustion in my bones, though, I remind myself that I really like my job and that I have chosen this. Not usually so many shifts in a row, with so much to do and so little rest (I should also be doing some freelance work, after all), but I still like my job and it isn’t always like this. Most of the time it is not, in fact.

But yeah, the question crops up as to why I am doing this. Or the thought that I’m definitely not getting paid enough. And I’m not.

And this, inevitably, reminds me that I live for myself first. This includes taking care of my mental, physical and emotional well-being. If not looked after, I’m no use to anyone anyway.

I am allowed to say no. I am allowed to rest. I am allowed to take a break and also ask for one when I need it. I am allowed to re-evaluate the status quo, question it and ask for more because it isn’t good enough.

Saying that I live for myself first doesn’t make me selfish. Unless I act selfishly. There is a huge difference. Living for yourself first only makes you an ass if you trample on everyone else to serve your own needs.

This is not what I am talking about.

When we recognize the simple truth that we live for ourselves first, it acknowledges that we don’t need to put anyone else’s needs or demands above our own. There are times when we will do just that, of course. Especially as a parent, for instance. Or in the line of duty. But even then we shouldn’t neglect ourselves to the extent that it will impact our ability to care for or serve others.

For me today, and tomorrow, telling myself that I do live for myself first is a reminder to treat myself more gently and to say no in order to protect my energy. I like my job, but it shouldn’t leave me this exhausted and feeling that I am not compensated well enough. I can ask for more. And I should.

And then I rest.

Sitting in the window

by 2clouds

I have a windowsill that is wide enough for me to sit on. When I don’t use it as a seat, I plant lives here and a few lights that I use when it gets dark.

It’s not the comfiest place to sit, especially since it isn’t super wide. But I like it as I don’t have a balcony and I get to watch out. I can see the sunset in the evenings, watch the traffic or people walking by, or I work on my laptop enjoying the natural light.

I usually sit here every day at least at some point and I’m doing so right now. Watching people walk their dogs is a much better distraction than whatever is on TV.

It is also a good place for some thinking. When you have nothing much else to do and watch the world pass by your window, you have room to contemplate, commiserate or plan.

If I don’t have my laptop on my lap, it is actually also an excellent spot to get away from work for a bit. Even on rainy days. Or perhaps, especially on rainy days.

I didn’t write yesterday. For some reason, I thought I might have scheduled a post on Friday, but I hadn’t and only realized today that I ended up skipping on posting yesterday.

There are plenty of things I want to write about, so it’s not a lack of topics that kept me from writing. It was simply a false assumption and ultimately I wasn’t worried about it.

Today, I thought I should write again, though I also realized I didn’t want to get into anything too deep. I started writing about something else but deleted the paragraph almost immediately because it would have involved more thinking than I felt up to on a Sunday morning.

I worked late last night, and I am off to work again soon. I will enjoy the sunny weather on the way to work. And writing another blog just doesn’t seem that important right now. I want to enjoy the sun, the fresh air and mentally prepare for another shift.

It is important to me to keep up with this blog and not let things slide again, but there are times when feeling the sun on your skin and not overthinking anything is more important. This, too, is self-care.

I will be back here tomorrow and find another topic to write about.

For now, I will sit here in quiet for a few more minutes and later jump on my bicycle and have a lovely ride to work with not a care in the world.