pandemic

Do I suffer from writer’s block?

by 2clouds

I am legitimately asking myself this question. I’ve not done any creative writing since the outbreak of the pandemic. Not the kind I want to do anyway.

No ideas. No drive.

There seems to be a distinct lack of will or desire to sit down and wrack my brain for words that might conceivably end up becoming a story. Indeed, whilst I have had plenty of ideas in the past, nothing has excited me for a long time.

The pandemic, the lockdowns, isolation, the money worries – they all played their part, of course. None of it helped to motivate me to write creatively.

Yet, I still write. I try to post here (though we have seen that lately, I have not been as consistent as I wanted to be), and I also journal (also not exactly frequently).

Plus, there is my freelance writing, which helps pay the bills.

Maybe I am suffering from a creative block?

I know it isn’t so much the work of sitting down and putting words on paper. The problem is a lack of ideas. Or more specifically that nothing I come up with truly excites me.

I always jot down ideas. And never pursue them.

It’s not a lack of wanting to write, though. When I read Neil Gaiman, I want to write. Same for other writers I truly enjoy. They make me want to write. But what do I write when nothing comes to mind?

Putting one word after another isn’t going to cut it if they don’t make a coherent whole.

Let me digress for a moment. Lately, I have spent hours watching YouTube videos, but it turns out that I haven’t been doing so just randomly. I have been seeking inspiration and solutions. I watch the content I enjoy. And I have realized that seeking out creators whose content I enjoy is a manner of seeking out what seems to work. I want to figure out why it works.

Why do these creators appeal to me? What is it about their content that speaks to me? If I gave you a playlist of everyone whose content I watched lately, you’d find a surprisingly common theme in style, manner, and topics.

So, today I sat and pondered what everyone whose content I’ve been enjoying lately has in common and why they appeal to me. It is quite striking when you become aware of it.

Whilst it hasn’t quite cured my creative block, I am at least here now to post this. And it has got me thinking about my blog as well.

But more on that tomorrow. I still need to do more thinking.

A busy week

by 2clouds

Last week I had no freelance work to do at all. I had a few shifts at my job, but a lot of time to myself besides that.

I sometimes struggle to make the most of my time. And I am not talking about being productive all the time. I see no sense in that and it would make my life miserable if I were to measure it in terms of productivity.

But when I find myself idle, not feeling like reading, mindlessly browsing through YouTube and getting the same five videos recommended over and over again, not watching anything in particular on TV, and just going through the motions, I do wonder how to better use my time.

I have tried to keep a schedule and appoint time slots for the things I want to do. Thus far, it hasn’t stuck. I might have to try to use an actual paper calendar, though that didn’t stick in the past either. But I really don’t want to keep checking my phone for what I had planned to do next. If anything, I want to reduce my screen time.

Whilst the schedule-keeping is not really my cup of tea, it did give me a better feeling of how much time I have every day and that I am able to use it better than just idling about and doing things when I feel like doing them.

For the longest time as a freelancer, I have kept a rough schedule, at least, and that has never faltered. Not when I have a shift in the afternoon, not during the long months of lockdown, not on my days off (unless I have a proper day off from everything).

Now, as I am also giving this blog more focus, I have to make time for it.

Today, I have written an article for my client. Now I’m doing this. In about an hour, I will head out to work, returning only after midnight.

This will be my schedule until Thursday. On Friday I will take a day off from everything. On Saturday I will at least return to this blog. On Sunday I will have a very long day at work.

In other words, I do have a busy week ahead, which I prefer to too much time to myself. Or rather, idle time.

Don’t get me wrong, I am an introvert, I need me-time. Enough to balance the time I spend at my job. And then some if possible.

But I also like to have something to do during that time. If that is freelance work, great. I need to make a living and have some savings available. If I get to use that time to fall into a book, awesome. And now that I work much more on this blog, I can always sit down and do that.

Yet sometimes I don’t want to do any of these things. I might grab my phone for the umpteenth time and put it away again with a sigh as there is nothing new to discover. Sitting and not doing anything is not something that comes to me easily.

Sometimes, when I truly need it. Like those times when I sit in the window, enjoying some peace and quiet time. But when I have had my fill, I need more than that.

So, I keep busy. Not always the kind of busy I would prefer if I were financially stable or (eventually) independent. But mostly a good kind of busy.

There is the stressful kind as well, where you always rush to keep up with a schedule set by someone else. I choose the busyness on my own terms. Not on someone else’s. That’s a huge difference and something we should all strive for. It is an important step towards that work/life balance that is so often talked about.

Freelance anxiety

by 2clouds

I suppose this is what you might call the feeling you get when you are in danger of losing a client. It’s not pleasant. There is an element of existential dread because your clients are your source of income. And when you lose one, your income shrinks.

I’m a freelance writer. I have currently one main client I am working for, and it’s been a good working relationship for over six years. Sometimes there has been more work, other times less. They’ve gone through changes as well since they’ve been swallowed by bigger companies several times over the years.

But my main contact has remained the same and he always wanted me to stay on board, which I was happy to do.

Last year, in the wake of the pandemic, I had to let go of a client who had become unreachable and only paid my invoices after I had to remind him repeatedly. He always did pay but having to chase my money made me so anxious that I didn’t want to deal with him anymore. Plus, he never explained what happened.

That left me with one main client as well as another one who only sporadically requested content from me. I made it work and ended up getting enough assignments from my main client to keep going.

After the latest change on their end, I received a new contract to work as a freelance contractor and a set new hourly rate, which is what they preferred to work with. That was fine by me and for the last few months, this has been working quite nicely. I log my hours with my main contact, whom I’ve been working with for such a long time now and things seemed to go smoothly.

But now it has been three weeks since my last assignment and I’ve almost completed the work I was given to keep me going when nothing more urgent was coming in. Once I will have submitted that, I am out of work and that does not feel good.

Thus far, I have always received new assignments, even when work was slow on their end. And I am still meeting the minimum income threshold that I have set myself for my freelance work. But I have no security beyond that.

My other job earns me enough to pay all my bills. So that is covered. But since I work only part-time, it doesn’t earn me enough to help save money for the more pleasant things in life. I can make do for a while. But that’s really not where I want to be right now.

I need more work. I need other streams of income. Perhaps new clients. Or, ideally, I make money with my own blog, right here.

It takes time to build an audience, however. And even more so one that is willing to support your work. I want to offer something that is of value to someone. Ideally, to more than just someone but to many people.

Apart from these musings I have been sharing these last few days, this blog is also meant to provide actual content about minimalism, traveling, and photography. And there is the creative writing I ought to be doing.

I guess I’m going to have to stop musing and get started writing.

Still lost somehow

by 2clouds

Not a day goes by when I don’t think that I must write. This blog is lurking at the back of my mind and I know I really should get back to it. I’ve let this happen in the past. I start something and then I let it slide until it seems no longer relevant. Or too late. It’s been so long now, I might as well give up. Right?

I have had a busy two months with job changes, more responsibility, less time, and waiting for things to settle into a new rhythm. I’m getting there.

So, what brought me here today of all days?

Hurt.

And writing is the only thing that helps. It always has been.

Sometimes it seems people can only be relied upon to hurt you. Cheerful thought, huh? I’d like to say it’s not all that bad, but lately, it seems I am more vulnerable. I get hurt more easily. By friends, by circumstances. Whatever.

Why is that? Is my skin getting thinner? I’m a spread more thinly? Spread out too much and less resilient than I usually am? Too tired? Not enough time to recover?

Let’s just think about this year, how very long it has been. The first half of it spent in lockdown, hardly seeing anyone, mostly at home, stressed about money, lonely.

And then life kicks back into gear, the job picks up, overtime comes back, no real summer, no real holiday, everybody busy, a promotion, still not out of the woods where money is concerned, friends who make themselves scarce, too many people too soon, and still remaining lonely.

All in all, I’d say I’m coping remarkably well. But coping isn’t exactly healing and I feel lost some days. Unless I’m busy, which is just another coping mechanism.

Today I decided to go for more mindfulness. Not watching something mindless and distracting, but finishing a book I started a while back. Not scrolling through social media so much. What am I even looking for? Just something lighthearted, I suppose. Something to make me smile, take the edge away.

But I keep scrolling and eventually, it just doesn’t do it anymore. I put the phone away, not knowing what to do with myself. I even thought I should get a hobby that doesn’t involve screens or anything electronic. I think that’s actually a good idea.

The hurt has dissipated somewhat. I think others are just as thin-skinned as I am. I triggered someone and she lashed out at me. I don’t exactly know what I triggered, but her response hurt. I had no ill-intention. Not that that helps. It’s not a particularly good excuse, is it?

When you feel lost, you just want someone to find you, I suppose. It makes us feel less alone. But I guess it’s up to me to find myself.

Writing helps because it allows me to simply ramble and sort through my thoughts. It is probably not even worth publishing but getting this out is better than keeping it inside.

Travelling in the time of a pandemic

by 2clouds

Travelling during a global pandemic seems, at best, controversial. Some travels, mostly for business or family emergencies, are still necessary. Though even business travel can often be substituted by a video conference or some such.

Still, at no point during this pandemic was there no travelling whatsoever. Most people, I dare say, travelled only the bare minimum, visiting family for major holidays (even skipping birthdays) or such business travel that requires people to be somewhere.

Many long-term travellers were stuck at their last destination because flights were grounded internationally. Getting home was difficult, if not impossible.

Last summer, when the first wave was over, people went on holiday. It was different than how we’ve experienced it before because all travel destinations were also pandemic destinations, where certain rules applied.

But on holiday people tend to be a lot more careless and so, the second wave was mostly blamed on holiday makers returning home with a Covid-19 infection.

This year is meant to be different. The third wave has been broken in Europe and many other parts of the world, vaccinations are progressing at least in Western Europe and North America, and the spread of the Delta variant doesn’t seem to deter anyone from going on a holiday.

So, here we are, wondering whether to take a vacation, sit the summer out at home, or perhaps just holidaying in ones own country, taking the car or a train to a nearby destination instead of flying into a high-risk area.

The need for some diversion, to get out and see something else outside of one’s own four walls or hometown is understandable. But it is also a luxury problem to have. A huge number of people around the world don’t get to take a vacation, go on holiday or travel beyond the immediate vicinity of their villages, towns or cities.

I love travelling. It is a part of who I am. I’ve done two trips around the world and have done tons of travelling in between. I am privileged beyond compare in this regard.

And, yes, I’ve missed it terribly. Though I don’t travel all the time, I leave the country for various trips several times a year. Last year, I took a motorcycle trip to the middle of Germany, riding a total of 1,000 km in five days.

I even went on a one-week holiday to Crete with my brother, though I wasn’t entirely keen on flying and all that. Still, all went well.

This year, I have only been to Berlin to visit my parents on two occasions thus far. I am not likely to fly anywhere anytime soon, though I hope to visit friends in England at some point. But like many others in need of a getaway, I decided to take a little motorcycling trip again. This time going north. The south is drowning in a deluge right now.

I am staying fairly close to home, exploring just within a 200km radius. I’m by myself, keeping my distance as necessary and I’ve been vaccinated once already as well.

I don’t feel like throwing caution into the wind. I don’t feel like catching Covid-19 now or ever. I don’t feel like jumping on a plane to party at a beach somewhere.

And I do not understand how others do.

Already quite a few people returning from holiday are reportedly coming back with an infection. Is it worth it? You get two weeks away, have fun and relax, but upon your return you must quarantine, potentially be hospitalised, and perhaps even end up with long Covid. Not to mention the potential for infecting others.

I do believe it is possible to vacation or travel safely even during a pandemic. I’ve managed to do that last year, never taking unnecessary risks. This year I wouldn’t do it again. We’ve been through three waves already and I am not keen on a fourth.

At the very least, people should get their vaccinations before heading out into a high-risk area.

We all want to enjoy a life without a pandemic again, which includes travelling. But if we are not careful now, things are unlikely to get better soon.

Moving forward

by 2clouds

I’ve not written for over three weeks now, which was not my intention at all. I’m back at work with my second job, which required a bit of an adjustment. Also, there’s still my freelance writing, which takes precedence as it is paid work.

I don’t feel good about neglecting my blog, however. Instead, I feel guilty about it. Which is not great. It tempts me to sit down and force myself to come up with something new, even though I lack the energy to do that.

Obviously, I have not written anything, forced or otherwise.

I have been thinking. About a million things. Travelling. Relationships. Friendships. Moving on and moving forward. Work. Writing. Work. Progress.

Whilst the pandemic is not over by any means, life is returning to normal. I worked my secondary job full-time in June. I visited my parents for my mom’s birthday. I’ve booked a little getaway for summer, which will mean a few days of taking my motorbike up north and touring around the area.

But a part of me has yet to catch up from spending seven months in lockdown. Priorities are shifting, the outside demand for my time is growing, I’m asked to plan further ahead than just a few days.

Lockdown was difficult. Lonely. I truly don’t need that much time to myself, and I am an introvert. I am ready to get back into things, to make plans, to travel, to pursue goals that have been on hold for too long.

Hence the thinking I’ve been doing for the last few weeks. I suppose, with the sudden shift of normalcy returning, I have been trying to synchronise my mental and emotional state with the outward aspects of my life. There was a lot of catching up to do, which is likely going to continue for some time to come.

But I am ready to get back into it with everything that I am.

Up, up and away

by 2clouds

I recently wrote about ‘Fernweh’, the longing for the distance and missing travelling. At the time I was on my way to Berlin, looking out the window of a highspeed train, watching the landscape rush by.

Right now, I’m sitting at my desk, looking at hotels for the first time in almost a year. That’s a long time for me. Not that I look at hotels a lot. Often, when I travel I’m totally happy staying at hostels or guesthouses.

But it’s my birthday next week and I’m not celebrating. Instead, I’m thinking of a little getaway. Yes, on my motorbike, staying at a hotel somewhere and checking out the local sights and riding around on my bike.

The longing has just grown exponentially.

If thought I’d suffered from Fernweh two weeks ago, I really have it bad now. I don’t even know why it hit me so hard all of a sudden.

Perhaps because I haven’t looked at booking a hotel in such a long time and it is a feasible endeavour again. This is not just me dreaming about a possible future trip. This is me considering a booking for next week. The hotel I like best is about four times the price I would normally spend on two nights somewhere. But it would be my birthday present to myself, and I have rarely felt so much in need of a getaway.

I’m ready to just pack a bag and leave. Now.

Never mind that we’re reverting more and more lockdown measures, getting more and more freedom back and I am back at my secondary job as well. Which I enjoy immensely. Life is beginning to feel normal again.

And travel is a part of my life. Even if it would just be a two-day trip to a town further up north.

It is late now, I’m tired and I had a glass of wine. But I’m fairly certain I’ll be making that booking tomorrow.

Sometimes when you need to travel, you just need to travel.

And I absolutely do.

What do you do when you feel stuck?

by 2clouds

Given that we’re still in a pandemic, feeling stuck has pretty much become part of almost everyone’s lives. Stuck at home. Stuck alone. Stuck with family. Stuck without perspective. Stuck without a job. Stuck on furlough. Stuck in your worst fears and anxieties. You name it.

I’ve been stuck in several ways during the past seven months, which is how long Germany was in lockdown. Now that we’re opening up again, things are seemingly returning to normal. We can go shopping, visit the museum or a concert, go out for dinner (at least with outside seating). We are allowed to see several people at the same time again and travel restrictions are also easing.

But having been stuck at home for such a long time, stuck in a funk perhaps, or simply living in our own tiny world, it feels strange to simply return to whatever currently passes for normal.

Things have changed. Our mindsets and behaviours have changed.

I have a friend who has retreated from almost everyone during the last seven months. Only her family, housemate and dearest friends are allowed in, and not even all the time. We’ve communicated regularly, though I’m not part of her inner circle, which is fine. We’ve only met a year ago but do get along quite well.

We’ve both been on furlough for most of these seven months, though she returned to do some work again in March and intermittently throughout. But it was only last week that she returned to her usual work. Perhaps contrary to what she believed, she is still stuck in the funk that has had a grip on her since last November.

Her first shift overwhelmed her emotionally. That’s quite understandable after hardly socialising for almost seven months.

My first shift back at work made me feel right at home. I also barely socialised this entire time and I am an introvert.

Clearly, we cope differently with the situation, and it may take her a while longer to find her groove again.

Whilst I handled the return to work well, I feel stuck in other ways. Motivating myself to get writing is difficult. I sit on my sofa and think about what I could be writing about. Nothing comes to mind. Or I start writing something, go off on a tangent, nothing feels right, and I delete everything.

I am frustrated.

So, here I am trying to figure out how to become unstuck.

Another example is the mood I was in yesterday after having woken from a dream about someone who is no longer part of my life. I was emotionally stuck for much of the day, did not work at all and went on a ride with my motorbike instead. Distraction was the only thing that helped. It got my mind off of this awful feeling, though it took until mid-afternoon to turn the tide.

Of course, one might argue that I should have dealt with the emotional upheaval caused by my dream. Well, I did. I have dealt with my feelings for this person for the past three years. I’ve actually made my peace. But my subconscious apparently likes to screw with me occasionally and I become stuck again.

I have no longer any unresolved issues regarding the situation or my feelings. But I do get triggered and then I have to deal with that. So, to become unstuck I have to do something I enjoy, something that takes me out of my head.

Other times, such as when I’m stuck with my motivation or writing, I have to sit still and let my thoughts roam or challenge the blinking cursor on an empty page, let my fingers dance across the keyboard and allow them to do the talking.

When I’ve felt stuck at home for too long during the past few months, it usually helped to go on a walk or even a ride with my bicycle. Physical movement helped. Fresh air.

I guess, my point is that when we feel stuck, regardless of what it is that makes us feel this way, we have to find coping mechanisms and they are going to look different for everyone.

My friend, who is still stuck in her funk, may benefit from a proper hug or someone simply sitting with her for a while, letting her be still or listening to her rant. I don’t know. Ultimately, she will have to figure that out for herself.

Yesterday, I didn’t realise when my mood shifted. I just noticed that it had and appreciated feeling better. My strategy had worked out eventually. Sometimes we simply become unstuck all of a sudden and can move on with our lives. Other times it takes a lot of work.

It does help knowing why and how we feel stuck. From there, we can begin to figure out how to move forward. And whilst we have to do most of the work, we don’t have to do all of it alone.

Fernweh

by 2clouds

I’ve travelled a lot in the past. Two round-the-world-trips, over three months of travelling in the US (not at once), many shorter trips and living abroad.

In 2016 I returned home. Sort of. I did not return to the city of my birth but chose another one instead. A new beginning. I didn’t know anyone in Hamburg, but eventually I found my way, made friends and discovered that this is the best place for me to live in. I love Hamburg more than any other place I’ve ever lived in.

But just because I’ve found my home, does that mean I’m done travelling?

Of course not. When you’ve been bitten by the travel bug, there’s no real cure.

Two years ago, I started getting my motorcycle driving license, which I’m writing about elsewhere on this blog. I finished at the end of the season in October 2019. And when the new season started, we were already in the middle of a pandemic.

I had planned a one-month road trip to Norway for the summer of 2020. Needless to say, that didn’t happen.

I thought of doing a shorter trip within Germany, perhaps even ten days. But instead, I only went on a 5-day trip, circumstances didn’t allow for much more.

I went on a week-long vacation with my brother late September last year as well. I don’t consider that travelling, but it was a nice change of scenery.

In any case, I obviously didn’t do much travelling last year. Nobody really did. And given the circumstances, I didn’t feel that this was overly lamentable. It’s a luxury problem to have when you are unable to travel the way you usually would.

All things considered, I had absolutely no reason to complain, even though I’ve been on furlough in my second job for a long time.

But as I am sitting on the train, on my way to Berlin to visit my parents for Whitsunday, and celebrating my brother’s birthday next week as well, I look out at the horizon and realise that, yes, I miss travelling.

In German, we call it “Fernweh”, a word that has made it into the English language as well since it captures the notion of longing for the distance so well. One simple word to summarise a feeling that longs for everything beyond the horizon.

That doesn’t mean that I want to leave home or that I am not contend with my life where I am right now. Travelling is an addition to my life, not an escape from it (though it can be). Sometimes it is a way of life.

I don’t think long-distance travelling is in the near future for me. That’s simply not feasible. I’d be happy for some motorcycle trips, however. Germany is a beautiful country and there is much to discover.

Until then, sitting on the train and watching the landscape pass by for the hour and forty minutes it takes me to get from Hamburg to Berlin on the high-speed train will have to do.

The view from the train at 170 km/h

Practicing mindfulness

by 2clouds

Following up on yesterday’s post, which was really a repost from October 2019, I wanted to add a few things. I chose to repost this blog entry because it still felt perfectly timely. Yesterday in particular I felt this restlessness, haunted by too many thoughts and still going after the next distraction.

But I also realised, it is no longer as bad as it had been when I first wrote that post. I am much more mindful now and I catch myself when I seek distraction after distraction. I know better why that may be the case, which differs depending on the situation.

I can stop myself. Not always, but a lot more than I used to.

I listen to myself very closely. Why am I feeling a certain way? How can I change how I feel – especially when I gripped by negative emotions?

The pandemic has done a number on all of us. But it has given us also a lot of time to touch base with ourselves. Well, perhaps not all of us, but many of us were given more time than we knew what to do with and a lot fewer distractions – at least outside of our own homes.

Given that I live alone and have only a small circle of friends, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time by myself. Admittedly, much more than I would have preferred. And whilst it hasn’t always been easy, I am privileged in many ways and don’t feel a need to complain.

Instead, I am trying to do the best I can. This includes to not just chase distractions and to learn about new things (even if I have felt no inclination to obtain new skills). I’ve delved into my psyche, learnt to understand myself much better than I have in the past and I’ve been practicing mindfulness whenever possible.

Being alone so much has been a struggle, though, so I have given myself permission to indulge in mindless distractions. We might be stuck at home, but our minds need not be stuck as well.

I am more aware now when I am seeking distractions and why. And I am certainly much more present in the moment. Where else should I be if I have no opportunity to make plans for tomorrow, let alone next week?