growth

A work in progress

by 2clouds

I went to work early today to use the Internet here and get some work done. Yeah, when you have a job situation like mine, sentences sometimes sound like that. They seem to make little sense to someone outside of the situation.

I have a job at the Elbphilharmonie Concert Hall in Hamburg. Part-time, which means I go three or four times a week.

And there is my freelance work, which I do from home. Though it seems to veer into a side hustling situation as well, so that I may diversify my income some more. Working on that. Or rather, thinking on it for the time being.

Having been offline for the last few days – more or less anyway – I have not had much opportunity to further my research.

What I did realize is that I need to work on this blog more. I don’t think I can make it quite as diverse as I initially planned or hoped to do. Oddly, these things seem to develop a life of their own and I have found myself drifting in the direction that I am currently taking. Talking a lot about personal growth and stuff.

So, my blog is as much a work in progress as I am.

Indeed, with every bit of personal growth and development, I go through, so this blog continues to develop. I share my experiences and thoughts here and you are allowed to make of that what you like.

When I started out, I wanted to make regular posts on a variety of topics that interest me. But my focus has become much narrower than that. And with everything else that’s been happening, I lost focus for a while.

Now that I have regained it, it has become narrower even than before, though I plan on widening it again somewhat.

I’d like for you to join me. I appreciate some company, thoughts, insights, whatever you wish to share. And, perhaps, your support as well.

The view from the office today

The Art of Accepting Help

by 2clouds

Have you ever read “The Art of Asking” by Amanda Palmer? Good book. I recommend.

I am always reminded of it when it comes to my difficulties with asking for or accepting help. Because the truth is, we can’t do it all alone. And we never have. Perhaps our most ancient almost rodent-like ancestors were lonesome creatures, only meeting up to reproduce before fighting alone for survival once more.

But we would have never made it this far if at some point down the line we hadn’t grouped together and achieved things together. That is one of our greatest strengths.

This includes asking for help, accepting help, and, of course, giving it. Our ability to cooperate like this, often without getting anything in return (not immediately anyway) or no more than thanks (which should be enough), is remarkable and we would still sit in trees without it.

So, why is it so difficult to ask for help or accept it?

I am wondering this today because I have received an offer for help which I really should not decline. A colleague who lives not far from me offered me her home with a spare room and desk as a workplace whilst my Internet is out.

My Internet is unlikely to be repaired today and it may take until at least tomorrow night, hopefully not longer. Refusing this offer would be stupid. I might only need to take it up tomorrow as I am already at work as I post this, using the public Internet available here.

I can’t rightly complain about my inability to do my freelance work without an Internet connection (unless I go to a local café) and refuse a friendly and totally selfless offer at someone else’s place where I have a quiet place and no extra cost.

I have been raised to be fiercely independent. That was my mother’s doing, who had to be independent long before she should have needed to be. It was one of the best gifts she has bestowed on me.

At the same time, she has always provided me with the support that I needed even when unwanted. To this day she does this. I don’t need it anymore. Not truly. But it has allowed me some comforts that I would otherwise simply have gone without. And I would not have been any worse off than I am now. I don’t miss what I don’t need.

Accepting help or support from other sources doesn’t come naturally to me. This is strange because I simultaneously wish for us to be more supportive of each other. I want that from my friends and anyone else I care about. I give it freely. No questions asked. I don’t expect anything in return and almost desperately hope everyone could be like this.

We are better, individually and as a whole, when we cooperate. When we support each other, help each other, and do not just seek to take from others.

Asking for help or accepting it seems oddly more difficult than providing it. To me anyway. It feels like an infraction of my independence. I can do it all alone. Except that I can’t. No one can. And that is okay.

But relying on others makes us vulnerable and, boy, do we have problems with that…

A busy week

by 2clouds

Last week I had no freelance work to do at all. I had a few shifts at my job, but a lot of time to myself besides that.

I sometimes struggle to make the most of my time. And I am not talking about being productive all the time. I see no sense in that and it would make my life miserable if I were to measure it in terms of productivity.

But when I find myself idle, not feeling like reading, mindlessly browsing through YouTube and getting the same five videos recommended over and over again, not watching anything in particular on TV, and just going through the motions, I do wonder how to better use my time.

I have tried to keep a schedule and appoint time slots for the things I want to do. Thus far, it hasn’t stuck. I might have to try to use an actual paper calendar, though that didn’t stick in the past either. But I really don’t want to keep checking my phone for what I had planned to do next. If anything, I want to reduce my screen time.

Whilst the schedule-keeping is not really my cup of tea, it did give me a better feeling of how much time I have every day and that I am able to use it better than just idling about and doing things when I feel like doing them.

For the longest time as a freelancer, I have kept a rough schedule, at least, and that has never faltered. Not when I have a shift in the afternoon, not during the long months of lockdown, not on my days off (unless I have a proper day off from everything).

Now, as I am also giving this blog more focus, I have to make time for it.

Today, I have written an article for my client. Now I’m doing this. In about an hour, I will head out to work, returning only after midnight.

This will be my schedule until Thursday. On Friday I will take a day off from everything. On Saturday I will at least return to this blog. On Sunday I will have a very long day at work.

In other words, I do have a busy week ahead, which I prefer to too much time to myself. Or rather, idle time.

Don’t get me wrong, I am an introvert, I need me-time. Enough to balance the time I spend at my job. And then some if possible.

But I also like to have something to do during that time. If that is freelance work, great. I need to make a living and have some savings available. If I get to use that time to fall into a book, awesome. And now that I work much more on this blog, I can always sit down and do that.

Yet sometimes I don’t want to do any of these things. I might grab my phone for the umpteenth time and put it away again with a sigh as there is nothing new to discover. Sitting and not doing anything is not something that comes to me easily.

Sometimes, when I truly need it. Like those times when I sit in the window, enjoying some peace and quiet time. But when I have had my fill, I need more than that.

So, I keep busy. Not always the kind of busy I would prefer if I were financially stable or (eventually) independent. But mostly a good kind of busy.

There is the stressful kind as well, where you always rush to keep up with a schedule set by someone else. I choose the busyness on my own terms. Not on someone else’s. That’s a huge difference and something we should all strive for. It is an important step towards that work/life balance that is so often talked about.

Why we need to invest in ourselves

by 2clouds

You would think this requires no explanation. Because, of course, we must invest in ourselves. We must recognize our value and act accordingly.

Right.

You may nod in agreement. You may shake your head in befuddlement. You may smile knowingly because if it were that easy it wouldn’t need repeating.

Over and over again.

Because we forget.

And if anyone is really good at not recognizing what we’re worth it’s us. We believe others over what we know of ourselves. Alas, knowing ourselves, means also knowing everything that is wrong with us, which is a lot. So, naturally, we believe every bad thing someone else tells us about ourselves, and we also believe we deserve to be treated the way they treat us.

It’s the worst of vicious circles.

So, the first thing to do is this:

Do not listen to what anyone else has to say about you – unless they offer constructive criticism in an actually helpful way.

We must remember that we cannot control what others say, what they do, how they treat us, or how they feel.

We can control what we do, in particular how we respond, how we treat others, what we say to them, and how we say it. And whilst we also cannot control how we feel, we can control how to handle our feelings.

Getting to that point takes time, though. And time is an investment. We have to recognize that sometimes our first response may not make things better for anyone. And then we need to figure out how to change our ways.

Change takes time, too. In fact, giving ourselves time is one of the best investments we can make. We are often not very patient with ourselves, especially when we are reminded of something we already know. We call ourselves a fool, beat ourselves up, and forget to be kind to ourselves.

Recognizing that being kind, giving ourselves time, and reminding ourselves of the things we already know is an investment in our mental and emotional health.

Sometimes a glass of water is the investment we need. Sometimes it is a walk, a day off, a spa day, purchasing that pair of shoes you’ve been holding out on for weeks now.

We need to figure out what works for us to keep us going. That, too, is an investment.

It is a daily task. It’s not always a pleasant one either. In fact, self-care is not just a spa day, although that does give us a moment of joy. As does the purchase of an item we’ve been having our eye on for some time.

Actual self-care is continued investment into everything that makes us whole. It is the shower we take in the morning, the stretching to keep our bodies nimble, the glass of water even though we are not thirsty. It is the budget we make to manage our finances or the breakdown of all our debts and how we plan to tackle them. It is meal-planning and making a proper schedule for our time off, and reading instead of doom-scrolling Insta.

It is the thing that makes us resilient to adverse situations and that which gives us the ability to tackle just about anything that may come our way. Taking truly care of ourselves and making this daily investment means building a foundation on which we can create the versions of ourselves we want to be and the life that we feel at home in and don’t just want to escape from.

And to tie back to the beginning, true self-care also enables us to silence that nagging voice that continues to doubt ourselves, to heed the opinions of others no more than they deserve, and to learn how to manage our own (often too emotional) responses.

There are other ways in which we can and must invest in ourselves, but we can talk about that another time.

Not every day is a good day

by 2clouds

Live anyway.

That’s today’s motto, I suppose.

I’m tired. I probably have a sleep deficit from my long shifts this weekend and I woke straight out of a vivid dream that left me irritated.

I went for a brief walk to deposit of some things and felt somewhat better after. The sun is out again, spring is becoming more and more visible. It really should be quite an enjoyable day, especially since I have off.

But this tiredness is a drag and makes this day feel like a wasted opportunity. An opportunity to do what, though?

Am I missing out on anything right now? Could I be more productive? Is there anything I really should be doing today?

I could easily answer all these questions with a ‘yes’, but then what? Is there truly anything I am missing out on? Do I want to be doing anything other than what I am doing this instant?

No. Not really. I am writing right now. I might be tired, and my eyes feel like they are in dire need of rest, but I can still do this, and it is better than the alternative, which really would be doing nothing at all.

As for productivity, that’s another can of worms right there. We’re not born to be productive. And the meaning of life is not found in increased productivity. None of us should be measured by how productive we are.

That said, productivity can be a means to an end, but it should be healthy and employed in such a way that it doesn’t make us feel as if we are always just hustling or trying to catch up in some way. I have more thoughts on the matter, which I still have to sort through before writing about them further.

Not every day is a good day. But this too shall pass.

Thankfully, we inevitably move forward in time. That is the nature of how we perceive this universe and at the end of today, a new tomorrow awaits. Maybe tomorrow won’t be a particularly good day either. Not every day will shine or be spectacular. It will be different, though.

If you are worried about today, whether you have wasted your time, simply caught an opportunity to rest, or if you have missed out on something, ask yourself whether this will still matter next week. Do you really think that in ten days’ time you will look back on today and wonder what the lull was about or tell yourself that you could have done better? Do you still remember last week’s bad day(s)? Does it still matter?

We live through the bad days one at a time. Just as we do with the good days.

And by the way, saying that it could be worse (which is usually true but utterly useless), won’t make anything better either. Whatever any given day might feel like – good, bad, wasted, full of opportunities – we still have to live each day as it comes. We make the best of it and move on to the next.

Sitting in the window

by 2clouds

I have a windowsill that is wide enough for me to sit on. When I don’t use it as a seat, I plant lives here and a few lights that I use when it gets dark.

It’s not the comfiest place to sit, especially since it isn’t super wide. But I like it as I don’t have a balcony and I get to watch out. I can see the sunset in the evenings, watch the traffic or people walking by, or I work on my laptop enjoying the natural light.

I usually sit here every day at least at some point and I’m doing so right now. Watching people walk their dogs is a much better distraction than whatever is on TV.

It is also a good place for some thinking. When you have nothing much else to do and watch the world pass by your window, you have room to contemplate, commiserate or plan.

If I don’t have my laptop on my lap, it is actually also an excellent spot to get away from work for a bit. Even on rainy days. Or perhaps, especially on rainy days.

I didn’t write yesterday. For some reason, I thought I might have scheduled a post on Friday, but I hadn’t and only realized today that I ended up skipping on posting yesterday.

There are plenty of things I want to write about, so it’s not a lack of topics that kept me from writing. It was simply a false assumption and ultimately I wasn’t worried about it.

Today, I thought I should write again, though I also realized I didn’t want to get into anything too deep. I started writing about something else but deleted the paragraph almost immediately because it would have involved more thinking than I felt up to on a Sunday morning.

I worked late last night, and I am off to work again soon. I will enjoy the sunny weather on the way to work. And writing another blog just doesn’t seem that important right now. I want to enjoy the sun, the fresh air and mentally prepare for another shift.

It is important to me to keep up with this blog and not let things slide again, but there are times when feeling the sun on your skin and not overthinking anything is more important. This, too, is self-care.

I will be back here tomorrow and find another topic to write about.

For now, I will sit here in quiet for a few more minutes and later jump on my bicycle and have a lovely ride to work with not a care in the world.

When it matters

by 2clouds

I doubt myself a lot. We all do, I suppose. Unless you’re of the rare breed of people who have a ton of unearned confidence.

I mostly doubt my writing. Especially when it matters; anytime I have to prove I can write.

I’m afraid I won’t have any good ideas. Or my writing will sound contrived. Too idiosyncratic. Or I’m not capturing the voice the client is looking for.

There are dozens of reasons in which my writing could be found wanting. I choke. I end up feeling paralyzed, wondering how I ever managed to put a single word down. How I will ever manage again.

My head empties of all words and ideas.

It is quite awful. Though I wouldn’t necessarily call it writer’s block. I still want to write, and I still know how to. It’s just that this doubt becomes overpowering just for a minute or two.

Then I pull myself together. I remember what is at stake and I get to work. If a client isn’t satisfied, they will either give me pointers to allow me to adapt my work accordingly, or we part ways.

At the end of the day, I can only improve. All writing I do is a learning experience. This is also true for every article I publish here. Sometimes I feel as if I am just rambling incoherently. I certainly hope that’s not the case and I do proof-read my articles before I publish them. At least, to catch any typos and make sure that there is some sort of structure or thought one can follow.

When it comes to freelance writing, I often get guidelines to follow, which I simply must stick to and do my best.

Right now, I must find new writing gigs as my current client is still not providing new assignments. I have to make ends meet next month and beyond. So, I will have to bite the bullet and submit writing examples to be judged accordingly.

I know I can work something out. I may doubt myself in some ways (as we all do), but I have never doubted my capacity to keep going. In German, we have the word ‘Urvertrauen’, which is basically a deep-seated faith that there is a way. I have always had a lot of that.

I know I can trust in my abilities. Any writer is critical of their writing. Any poet, painter, artist of any kind is their own worst critic. I know there is plenty of room to learn and improve as well. But I’ve been doing this for eight years, sometimes even full-time.

I can do this. I will do this. I must.

How’s this for a pep talk, ey?

Facing reality

by 2clouds

To face anything head-on is a challenge. Whether it is that tough talk with a friend, loved one, or even a colleague. Or whether it is asking for something from just about anyone. Or facing a truth we would much rather avoid.

Most of us are pretty good at postponing such things. We want to avoid confrontations, with others and with ourselves.

Confrontations are unpleasant. It could be something as simple as looking at your stovetop and facing the fact that it is overdue for a cleaning. For a few days, we look at it and think to ourselves that it’s still usable and we’ll do the cleaning as soon as we have a spare moment. It doesn’t feel urgent, and as long as the stovetop can be used without leaving us feeling disgusted, the issue isn’t really there.

Until the day we shudder looking at it and using it one more time before cleaning it becomes unacceptable.

A silly example, perhaps, but representative of so many other things we put off because they don’t sufficiently disgust us or have become unsustainable or unacceptable.

What about that flaky friend who is always suggesting that we do something but never committing to anything specific? They only check in with us when it suits them, but as soon as we check to see if they are available, they make excuses or even accuse us of monopolizing their time.

Facing the reality that this person may not actually be our friend or at least, not a very good friend, is difficult, especially when we are of the forgiving kind and want to believe that we wouldn’t choose such people to befriend, to begin with.

Not only do we have to face the fact that we may lose someone we somehow care about despite their unreliable behavior, but also that we didn’t make a good choice in befriending them at all.

Or what about asking for that raise that is not only overdue but that you definitely deserve and that was even agreed upon, but nothing has happened since then? Here the battle is one we fight against ourselves because we may not wish to appear demanding or simply find it unpleasant to address the issue of a pay rise. It seems ridiculous because we are only asking for something we are due.

Another example is our reluctance to face any sort of debt we might have. It seems to speak to financial irresponsibility or bad money management skills. Something none of us would be happy to admit to.

Any debt we accrue is always our fault, right? We signed up for that credit card and kept using it. Do you look at your credit card bills when they arrive? Do you pay the minimum rate to pay off your debt or do you have a better plan? Does it make you feel guilty to use the card again despite the debt you have already accrued?

Whatever it is that we are trying to avoid (and often it is probably multiple things at once), sooner or later we must face reality. We must face that unreliable friend and potentially walk away from them. We must face our debt and tackle it actively. We must ask for that raise because we deserve it. Or we simply must bloody well clean up that stupid stovetop to exert some sort of control over this chaotic life we juggle every single day.

It may very well be a daily struggle to keep doing just that. But the truth is, not facing the reality of bad friends, debt, dirty stovetops, or whatever else we are avoiding has consequences that are simply unacceptable. Because debt will continue to grow, dirt could eventually make us sick and bad friends are bad for our mental and emotional well-being.

Confronting those realities one at a time will never be a pleasant experience, but ignoring any of them will make things infinitely worse in the long run.

Until the lesson is learned

by 2clouds

Are we bound to repeat the same mistakes and continue in the same patterns until the lesson is learned?

That’s what I keep reading anyway.

I don’t believe the universe is testing me by sending me people or putting me in situations that require me to break a pattern or continue to grow. The universe is not interested in me or my life enough to make such moves.

But we seek such people or situations out ourselves, consciously or unconsciously.

I keep reaching for the wrong people. Always the ones that don’t reach back. I’ve written about this before. It’s a pattern that I am aware of. It’s not that I do this all the time. But over the years, I keep running into people that I end up wanting to hold onto even though the effort is not returned.

There is one such person in my life right now. I have plenty of reason to like her and to pursue a friendship. But the effort is not returned. It was, for a while. It no longer is, though. And still, I keep trying.

It takes a lot for me to give up on someone. When I ultimately do give up, it is out of the need to protect myself from hurting any longer. And it’s not as if these people go out of their way to hurt me (not actively and at least most of the time), but I am hurting, nonetheless.

Do I have to keep letting people go until someone decides they want to stay? I don’t need a ton of friends in my life. But the ones I choose, I always hope will choose me as well. And enough of them do. But when someone doesn’t, or I am not sure that they do, are they just another lesson for me to learn to let go? To stop reaching for someone who doesn’t reach for me?

This is just one example of the many repeated patterns we can’t easily shake. We always end up in the same or similar situations and keep making the same mistake. Usually, because we hope for a different outcome. Perhaps this time things will be different.

But why would they?

What reason do we have to believe that things will be different this time? Because we can’t be that unlucky again?

Except, we bring these situations about and these people into our lives, at least in part. We attract them and don’t say no to them. We go into it with an unfounded hope that we’ll do better this time.

And eventually, we will. When the lesson is finally learned. I know this from experience.

I know I have a tendency to attract or be attracted to emotionally unavailable people. And I want more from them than they are able to give. It’s not their fault. If the interest would be mutual, the effort would be equal. It’s not. I can’t blame them. And I don’t.

But letting go and moving on is not one of my strengths. I have to keep working on it. People come and go. Most of the time with most people we are okay with that. But there are those we don’t just want to let go again. It sucks when we realize we might have to.

It sucks to realize that they might be part of a lesson you have yet to finally learn.

I get better at it. But I don’t think I will ever be good at it.

Rome wasn’t built in a day

by 2clouds

“Plans are totally pointless. But planning is indispensable.”

I’ve heard this somewhere not long ago and it rang true. Whatever plans you make, life is almost certainly going to get in the way. And when our plans don’t work out the way we envisioned it, we feel disappointed, sometimes even angry and question why we bothered in the first place.

But planning is still an important part of the process. You can’t go in blind whatever your endeavor. As is often the case, it is more about the journey than the destination.

So, where am I going with this?

Well, I set out on the quest to change my ways, to get out of this rut and use my time more wisely, get off social media more, write more, and gain more financial stability.

That’s a lot to deal with, but ultimately, these things actually all tie in together. I may not be setting out to build a complete city, but I am building something that is supposed to have a solid foundation and many different layers.

That needs planning. It needs a strategy, a sensible approach. I can’t go in blind. That would just mean I’d be traipsing around clueless, putting down a brick here, and maybe adding a door where I don’t need it or a window that has no frame.

Does this make sense?

With everything I want to achieve, things can feel overwhelming. By planning my journey out to some degree, things feel more manageable.

For instance, I would like to write a blog once a day. I have set time aside for that, which is part of the daily planning. But my daily schedule is not set in stone. It is an ideal version of a fairly productive day, but I can’t plan for everything, and things sometimes just crop up that need to be dealt with regardless of what my plan might have been.

Just as Rome wasn’t built in a day, I won’t achieve my goals in a day either. There will be setbacks. I will have days when I won’t write another blog, simply because I might be tired, have no ideas, don’t feel like it, or whatever.

Right now, the idea is to build a habit of writing a blog every day. If it turns out to be unsustainable, I can always cut back to writing one every other day.

Considering the different goals that I have, I also don’t expect to get going on everything at once. I have to start somewhere, and this is what I choose to start with. I can take action on this one item and continue planning for everything else I want to achieve, taking action whenever the opportunity arises.

And making room for failure as well. Setbacks are unavoidable, perhaps even necessary. They are part of the process. They are opportunities to learn. And they can’t stop me from continuing.

I feel as if I’ve been rambling somewhat, but when you just sort through your thoughts and ideas this is what happens. I’m still in the stage of figuring things out. I’m only taking the first steps. But they are important, so here we are.