Personal Growth

Each and everyone of us is a constant work in progress. Some actively work on themselves. Other lack even the basics of self-awareness.


I’m not here to preach. I’m not here to teach either.


This section is here to share with you what I’ve learned. Make of that what you will. If it helps, great. If you couldn’t care less, well, what are you doing here?


Topics will vary widely from heartbreak to self-acceptance, from procrastination to unfailing optimism.


Onwards and upwards!

Not every day is a good day

by 2clouds

Live anyway.

That’s today’s motto, I suppose.

I’m tired. I probably have a sleep deficit from my long shifts this weekend and I woke straight out of a vivid dream that left me irritated.

I went for a brief walk to deposit of some things and felt somewhat better after. The sun is out again, spring is becoming more and more visible. It really should be quite an enjoyable day, especially since I have off.

But this tiredness is a drag and makes this day feel like a wasted opportunity. An opportunity to do what, though?

Am I missing out on anything right now? Could I be more productive? Is there anything I really should be doing today?

I could easily answer all these questions with a ‘yes’, but then what? Is there truly anything I am missing out on? Do I want to be doing anything other than what I am doing this instant?

No. Not really. I am writing right now. I might be tired, and my eyes feel like they are in dire need of rest, but I can still do this, and it is better than the alternative, which really would be doing nothing at all.

As for productivity, that’s another can of worms right there. We’re not born to be productive. And the meaning of life is not found in increased productivity. None of us should be measured by how productive we are.

That said, productivity can be a means to an end, but it should be healthy and employed in such a way that it doesn’t make us feel as if we are always just hustling or trying to catch up in some way. I have more thoughts on the matter, which I still have to sort through before writing about them further.

Not every day is a good day. But this too shall pass.

Thankfully, we inevitably move forward in time. That is the nature of how we perceive this universe and at the end of today, a new tomorrow awaits. Maybe tomorrow won’t be a particularly good day either. Not every day will shine or be spectacular. It will be different, though.

If you are worried about today, whether you have wasted your time, simply caught an opportunity to rest, or if you have missed out on something, ask yourself whether this will still matter next week. Do you really think that in ten days’ time you will look back on today and wonder what the lull was about or tell yourself that you could have done better? Do you still remember last week’s bad day(s)? Does it still matter?

We live through the bad days one at a time. Just as we do with the good days.

And by the way, saying that it could be worse (which is usually true but utterly useless), won’t make anything better either. Whatever any given day might feel like – good, bad, wasted, full of opportunities – we still have to live each day as it comes. We make the best of it and move on to the next.

Sitting in the window

by 2clouds

I have a windowsill that is wide enough for me to sit on. When I don’t use it as a seat, I plant lives here and a few lights that I use when it gets dark.

It’s not the comfiest place to sit, especially since it isn’t super wide. But I like it as I don’t have a balcony and I get to watch out. I can see the sunset in the evenings, watch the traffic or people walking by, or I work on my laptop enjoying the natural light.

I usually sit here every day at least at some point and I’m doing so right now. Watching people walk their dogs is a much better distraction than whatever is on TV.

It is also a good place for some thinking. When you have nothing much else to do and watch the world pass by your window, you have room to contemplate, commiserate or plan.

If I don’t have my laptop on my lap, it is actually also an excellent spot to get away from work for a bit. Even on rainy days. Or perhaps, especially on rainy days.

I didn’t write yesterday. For some reason, I thought I might have scheduled a post on Friday, but I hadn’t and only realized today that I ended up skipping on posting yesterday.

There are plenty of things I want to write about, so it’s not a lack of topics that kept me from writing. It was simply a false assumption and ultimately I wasn’t worried about it.

Today, I thought I should write again, though I also realized I didn’t want to get into anything too deep. I started writing about something else but deleted the paragraph almost immediately because it would have involved more thinking than I felt up to on a Sunday morning.

I worked late last night, and I am off to work again soon. I will enjoy the sunny weather on the way to work. And writing another blog just doesn’t seem that important right now. I want to enjoy the sun, the fresh air and mentally prepare for another shift.

It is important to me to keep up with this blog and not let things slide again, but there are times when feeling the sun on your skin and not overthinking anything is more important. This, too, is self-care.

I will be back here tomorrow and find another topic to write about.

For now, I will sit here in quiet for a few more minutes and later jump on my bicycle and have a lovely ride to work with not a care in the world.

Facing reality

by 2clouds

To face anything head-on is a challenge. Whether it is that tough talk with a friend, loved one, or even a colleague. Or whether it is asking for something from just about anyone. Or facing a truth we would much rather avoid.

Most of us are pretty good at postponing such things. We want to avoid confrontations, with others and with ourselves.

Confrontations are unpleasant. It could be something as simple as looking at your stovetop and facing the fact that it is overdue for a cleaning. For a few days, we look at it and think to ourselves that it’s still usable and we’ll do the cleaning as soon as we have a spare moment. It doesn’t feel urgent, and as long as the stovetop can be used without leaving us feeling disgusted, the issue isn’t really there.

Until the day we shudder looking at it and using it one more time before cleaning it becomes unacceptable.

A silly example, perhaps, but representative of so many other things we put off because they don’t sufficiently disgust us or have become unsustainable or unacceptable.

What about that flaky friend who is always suggesting that we do something but never committing to anything specific? They only check in with us when it suits them, but as soon as we check to see if they are available, they make excuses or even accuse us of monopolizing their time.

Facing the reality that this person may not actually be our friend or at least, not a very good friend, is difficult, especially when we are of the forgiving kind and want to believe that we wouldn’t choose such people to befriend, to begin with.

Not only do we have to face the fact that we may lose someone we somehow care about despite their unreliable behavior, but also that we didn’t make a good choice in befriending them at all.

Or what about asking for that raise that is not only overdue but that you definitely deserve and that was even agreed upon, but nothing has happened since then? Here the battle is one we fight against ourselves because we may not wish to appear demanding or simply find it unpleasant to address the issue of a pay rise. It seems ridiculous because we are only asking for something we are due.

Another example is our reluctance to face any sort of debt we might have. It seems to speak to financial irresponsibility or bad money management skills. Something none of us would be happy to admit to.

Any debt we accrue is always our fault, right? We signed up for that credit card and kept using it. Do you look at your credit card bills when they arrive? Do you pay the minimum rate to pay off your debt or do you have a better plan? Does it make you feel guilty to use the card again despite the debt you have already accrued?

Whatever it is that we are trying to avoid (and often it is probably multiple things at once), sooner or later we must face reality. We must face that unreliable friend and potentially walk away from them. We must face our debt and tackle it actively. We must ask for that raise because we deserve it. Or we simply must bloody well clean up that stupid stovetop to exert some sort of control over this chaotic life we juggle every single day.

It may very well be a daily struggle to keep doing just that. But the truth is, not facing the reality of bad friends, debt, dirty stovetops, or whatever else we are avoiding has consequences that are simply unacceptable. Because debt will continue to grow, dirt could eventually make us sick and bad friends are bad for our mental and emotional well-being.

Confronting those realities one at a time will never be a pleasant experience, but ignoring any of them will make things infinitely worse in the long run.

Staying focussed

by 2clouds

Distractions are everywhere. And our monkey brains are only too happy to follow each and every one of them.

Staying focused can be difficult. It requires us to be mindful. We must exert as much control as we can upon our immediate environment to avoid distractions.

I just switched on the ‘Focus’ function in Word. I’ve never done this before. I have noticed the little button at the bottom of the document, but I’ve never clicked on it. But since I literally just started writing this blog, I decided to see what happens when I do.

It enlarged the page I am working on to cover the screen entirely with only black margins on each side. I still get a little ‘x’ to exit out of this view in the top right-hand corner, but that’s about it.

This option eliminates at least visual distractions from my workspace on my laptop. I don’t see the navigation menu at the bottom, which takes me to my email or the open browser.

Out of sight, out of mind?

Perhaps. Until my monkey brain is fed up with staring at the page (in such cases that words don’t come easily or at all). Then I would probably minimize the document and seek distractions online. They are, after all, far more entertaining than an empty page.

But as I am writing this, I find this feature to be quite useful. Just now I found myself glancing at the corner where the time is normally visible. Why? Because the time is important right now? Or because I want to know how much time I have spent writing? Does it matter?

Earlier, I’ve turned off the Wi-Fi on my phone and put it away. Another distraction put aside. I have no need to check messages or social media right now, so I am making the effort of keeping my phone – this massive source of distraction – far away. It helps.

Depending on the writing I’m doing, I’d be better off switching off my Wi-Fi on my laptop as well. If I then wanted to check the news or go on a random research bout, I’d have to switch it back on again to connect to the Internet. Whilst not a difficult step to take, it might make me pause just for a moment as to why I feel the need to do this now and whether it is such a good idea.

If you leave your connection on, emails are certain to pop up sooner or later and it does require a bit more of a mental effort to withstand the temptation to move over to your browser. That is what I am doing right now, and it feels very conscious. As in, my connection is active and because I am writing about this topic, the idea of switching over using the combination of just two keys on my keyboard looms massively in my mind.

It would be so easy, but I am not going to fall for this trap. Because I am writing right now on the topic of staying focussed.

Of course, the Internet isn’t the only distraction I am referring to. Considering the goals I have, there is a host of other distractions I could succumb to. And inevitably will at some point.

My job is a distraction from my goal of writing. My sofa is a distraction from my goal of working out more. The TV is a distraction from reading. Shopping for my ideal travel backpack is a distraction from saving money.

Some distractions we can eliminate. Others we have to actively evade. I’m not going to throw my TV out, but I can leave it switched off. I will keep looking for that ideal travel backpack, but I am not going to hit purchase on an impulse buy anytime soon. I will set aside time for writing any opportunity I get. And I will not lounge on the sofa until I have done my workout.

Staying focussed is chiefly a mission of being as mindful as possible. It’s not a battle we will always win. I know my vices. I can work around them most of the time, but I also don’t feel the need to try and eliminate them entirely. As long as they don’t keep me from doing what I want to do.

And there are ways we can make it easier on ourselves. By using the ‘Focus’ function, leaving the phone out of reach and switching things off when we don’t need them.

When I actively work on my focus, I also become very conscious of my thoughts straying here and there, seeking distractions, or wondering about the time or my messages or whatever. It’s a strange sensation to become aware of, especially since I don’t give in.

Perhaps this is part of the dopamine detox everyone talks about?

Interesting…

Until the lesson is learned

by 2clouds

Are we bound to repeat the same mistakes and continue in the same patterns until the lesson is learned?

That’s what I keep reading anyway.

I don’t believe the universe is testing me by sending me people or putting me in situations that require me to break a pattern or continue to grow. The universe is not interested in me or my life enough to make such moves.

But we seek such people or situations out ourselves, consciously or unconsciously.

I keep reaching for the wrong people. Always the ones that don’t reach back. I’ve written about this before. It’s a pattern that I am aware of. It’s not that I do this all the time. But over the years, I keep running into people that I end up wanting to hold onto even though the effort is not returned.

There is one such person in my life right now. I have plenty of reason to like her and to pursue a friendship. But the effort is not returned. It was, for a while. It no longer is, though. And still, I keep trying.

It takes a lot for me to give up on someone. When I ultimately do give up, it is out of the need to protect myself from hurting any longer. And it’s not as if these people go out of their way to hurt me (not actively and at least most of the time), but I am hurting, nonetheless.

Do I have to keep letting people go until someone decides they want to stay? I don’t need a ton of friends in my life. But the ones I choose, I always hope will choose me as well. And enough of them do. But when someone doesn’t, or I am not sure that they do, are they just another lesson for me to learn to let go? To stop reaching for someone who doesn’t reach for me?

This is just one example of the many repeated patterns we can’t easily shake. We always end up in the same or similar situations and keep making the same mistake. Usually, because we hope for a different outcome. Perhaps this time things will be different.

But why would they?

What reason do we have to believe that things will be different this time? Because we can’t be that unlucky again?

Except, we bring these situations about and these people into our lives, at least in part. We attract them and don’t say no to them. We go into it with an unfounded hope that we’ll do better this time.

And eventually, we will. When the lesson is finally learned. I know this from experience.

I know I have a tendency to attract or be attracted to emotionally unavailable people. And I want more from them than they are able to give. It’s not their fault. If the interest would be mutual, the effort would be equal. It’s not. I can’t blame them. And I don’t.

But letting go and moving on is not one of my strengths. I have to keep working on it. People come and go. Most of the time with most people we are okay with that. But there are those we don’t just want to let go again. It sucks when we realize we might have to.

It sucks to realize that they might be part of a lesson you have yet to finally learn.

I get better at it. But I don’t think I will ever be good at it.

When to pull yourself together

by 2clouds

I’m exhausted today. Two long shifts at work with a rather late finish at nearly 1 am yesterday (or today, if you prefer). Not enough sleep, obviously. With the days getting longer again and the sun out all day, any attempt to even try and sleep some more is doomed to fail. Also, tomorrow I have an early shift, so there was no point in trying to sleep in today.

My brain feels muddled and hay fever has struck me down as well. It’s a beautiful spring day outside and I can barely get up from the sofa.

What a lovely day off…

Oddly, I still managed to get some stuff done. Such as laundry, making lunch for the next three days, dusting, and even ordering new glasses, which I’ve been putting off for weeks.

I keep thinking that I need to get up and go check on my motorbike because I really wanted to take it to work tomorrow. I really really do. It’s been such a long time since I rode my bike and I miss it. The weather is perfect right now. But I can’t move.

It seems a miracle that I managed to do as much as I did. This includes writing anything at all.

There is still time. I can still jump on my bicycle and visit the parking garage to check on my bike. I can still enjoy some sunshine and the warmth they bring. I can still buy some grapefruits.

That’s what I keep telling myself, even though I just want to take a nap.

The question is, do I need to pull myself together and go out to do what I feel I should (perhaps even must)? Or do I allow myself the rest my body clearly needs?

Will I regret not checking on my bike and therefore definitely not taking it to work tomorrow, instead of cycling as usual, which also provides a lot of enjoyment in weather like this?

Will I regret not getting up to get myself fresh grapefruit?

I could do one and not the other. If I decided to check on the bike, I have no excuse not to also go to the grocery store as it would be on the way home anyway. But since the garage is further away than the grocery store, I might still go to the latter and only have half the regrets when skipping on one but not both errands.

We all have arguments with ourselves very much like this all the time. We are tired or even exhausted and still have a bunch of things we want to do or could do or even need to do. We feel bad for being tired. We feel that we need to pull ourselves together and simply do what we must, and things will perhaps sort themselves out. We can always sleep later.

Or we want to avoid feeling guilty over the things we leave in favor of resting. We want to avoid regrets down the line.

Often it is really just about small things, a bunch of errands or chores. But bigger things can be involved as well, commitments, decisions, or people. I’m not going to get into the big questions of life, mind you. Not right now anyway.

The fact of the matter is my body tells me no. It needs rest. It doesn’t want to jump on a bicycle and ride anywhere. And I will survive not riding my motorbike to work tomorrow. I will also be able to do without a grapefruit tonight.

And perhaps, in an hour, I feel up for it after all.

We generally know when we are still capable of pulling ourselves together for one reason or another. We have enough energy left to do just that. But there are times, when it shouldn’t be necessary, and it shouldn’t leave us with feelings of guilt or regret either.

We shouldn’t ignore when we need a break or proper rest.

We’re always told to have healthy boundaries with the people in our lives. We must also have boundaries with ourselves, which includes recognizing our needs instead of pushing them away.

Rome wasn’t built in a day

by 2clouds

“Plans are totally pointless. But planning is indispensable.”

I’ve heard this somewhere not long ago and it rang true. Whatever plans you make, life is almost certainly going to get in the way. And when our plans don’t work out the way we envisioned it, we feel disappointed, sometimes even angry and question why we bothered in the first place.

But planning is still an important part of the process. You can’t go in blind whatever your endeavor. As is often the case, it is more about the journey than the destination.

So, where am I going with this?

Well, I set out on the quest to change my ways, to get out of this rut and use my time more wisely, get off social media more, write more, and gain more financial stability.

That’s a lot to deal with, but ultimately, these things actually all tie in together. I may not be setting out to build a complete city, but I am building something that is supposed to have a solid foundation and many different layers.

That needs planning. It needs a strategy, a sensible approach. I can’t go in blind. That would just mean I’d be traipsing around clueless, putting down a brick here, and maybe adding a door where I don’t need it or a window that has no frame.

Does this make sense?

With everything I want to achieve, things can feel overwhelming. By planning my journey out to some degree, things feel more manageable.

For instance, I would like to write a blog once a day. I have set time aside for that, which is part of the daily planning. But my daily schedule is not set in stone. It is an ideal version of a fairly productive day, but I can’t plan for everything, and things sometimes just crop up that need to be dealt with regardless of what my plan might have been.

Just as Rome wasn’t built in a day, I won’t achieve my goals in a day either. There will be setbacks. I will have days when I won’t write another blog, simply because I might be tired, have no ideas, don’t feel like it, or whatever.

Right now, the idea is to build a habit of writing a blog every day. If it turns out to be unsustainable, I can always cut back to writing one every other day.

Considering the different goals that I have, I also don’t expect to get going on everything at once. I have to start somewhere, and this is what I choose to start with. I can take action on this one item and continue planning for everything else I want to achieve, taking action whenever the opportunity arises.

And making room for failure as well. Setbacks are unavoidable, perhaps even necessary. They are part of the process. They are opportunities to learn. And they can’t stop me from continuing.

I feel as if I’ve been rambling somewhat, but when you just sort through your thoughts and ideas this is what happens. I’m still in the stage of figuring things out. I’m only taking the first steps. But they are important, so here we are.

Getting started

by 2clouds

Let’s keep the momentum going. I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to keep following through, but it is my intention to do just that.

So, when you’re fed up or dissatisfied with your status quo, where do you get started changing things? Often, we try to go cold turkey (so to speak) by attempting to change things in an unsustainable way. You want to quit smoking? Throwing out all cigarettes is going to work for about as long as the craving kicks in and you’re heading out to buy a new pack.

You want to cut down on alcohol, sugar, junk food? Throwing all related food items out or pouring your liquor down the drain is also only a temporary fix. What is going to stop you from having a beer when you go out with friends? And that side of fries your friends want to share? And afterward, a piece of cake because why not?

Clearly, none of that works because it isn’t sustainable.

So, here is what I am going to do. First, I take stock. What is my status quo?

  • I have a part-time job that I truly like. It’s beneficial for several reasons as it pays a steady income, and it covers my medical insurance and comes with some social insurance and retirement benefits.
  • I have also my freelance work, which pays well but the main challenge here is that I don’t enjoy the subject matter I write about. I stick with it because it pays well. Do I feel secure in this income? Not always. Assignments can be steady, but they can also be so sporadic that I am unsure whether I will make enough to get to my desired income for my next invoice.
  • I’m not writing for myself nearly as much as I want to.
  • On a personal level, I’m dissatisfied with my current shape. I cycle to work at least three times a week and the job is quite physical in that I walk around a lot. I get plenty of movement this way, but my strength and flexibility are not where I want and need it to be. I do feel flabby in places and I’m not happy with that. That said, this is a question of comfort and health rather than one of looks or beauty standards (which I care nothing for).
  • I spent too much time on social media, reading the news four times a day, browsing YouTube for the latest videos that may interest me and just do the equivalent of online window shopping (looking through my favourite online shops without every buying anything, which is good, but it is still a waste of time).
  • Finally, my financial situation. I have a little bit of credit card debt, but that is in hand and I’m paying that off every month. It does keep me from putting that extra money towards my savings. Also, whilst I don’t have a shopping problem as such, I need to cut down on that.

This is a bit of a conundrum, to be honest. I’ve been putting a capsule wardrobe together with only sustainable clothing during the past year. I spent some money on that every month in order to have the wardrobe that will keep me going for years to come. I’m almost done with that, which is good, but it has been somewhat expensive. It’s also one of the things that have had me falling into YouTube spirals about minimalism and anything else on the subject. And I’ve done extensive research about materials and whatnot. You name it, it’s been taking up a lot of time and it’s been cutting into my funds.

I’ve made some mistakes along the way and purchased items that I ultimately decided not to keep. This is certainly one of those things that get me a quick dopamine fix when I make a purchase, but it is leaving me with some regret when I realize that maybe I should have returned the item I initially liked because it doesn’t quite work for me.

Anyway, I’m looking at my status quo with brutal honesty, which may mean that I don’t like what I’m seeing. There is no way around that, though.

So, once I have looked at where I am at, the next step is to look at where I want to be:

  • I’m happy with my part-time job, but a raise is in order. So, I that’s the next goal here.
  • I’m not happy with my freelance work. I want to find new clients and potentially diversify my streams of income.
  • I want to be stronger and more flexible.
  • I want to waste less time on social media or just doing things that don’t serve me.
  • I want all my debts paid off.
  • I want greater financial freedom.
  • I want to write for myself.

It’s not too difficult to look at where you are at and then to summarise where you want to be. Next, I’m going to have to come up with a plan of getting from where I am to where I want to be.

Stay tuned 😊

Out of excuses

by 2clouds

It is quite obvious just how much I have been neglecting this blog. And I find myself out of excuses as to why I have not been writing. Putting procrastination aside (which is clearly the main reason), my job has also taken up much of my time and afterward, simply resting from work.

And since I have my freelance work, I can still claim that I write every day. Or most days anyway.

But it is not the writing I want to do. In fact, it is quite tedious at times as I am not engaged in the topics I write about.

The discovery that I feel most inspired to write when I am traveling is somewhat helpful. But it would kind of mean that I should take trains more often to places I’ve not been before. As lovely as that sounds, it is currently not feasible. I have a commitment to my job, which I actually enjoy doing as well.

But I do know that once I’m done with it, I will move on – quite literally.

If I have no reason to stay, it will be time again to leave.

Until then, I can’t wait for the next trip to happen and to feel in the mood for writing. It’s not as if I feel that I have nothing to say when I’m sitting at home. Quite the contrary. I always have something to say.

I watched this video on YouTube yesterday, where this guy talked about his Dopamine detox experience for the past year. He didn’t just do it for a day or a week. He went for an entire year on this journey, and it was very interesting. He was incredibly blunt, and I am not exactly his target audience (young guys are), but that doesn’t mean I didn’t get something out of it.

I know I’ve fallen into the same trap as so many others when it comes to instant gratification. Scrolling through Instagram to read yet another uplifting post, cliché, or watching the umpteenth video of a cute parrot or parakeet.

Or deep-diving into YouTube, watching videos about minimalism, financial stability, traveling, backpack reviews, and whatnot.

But all I do is watch. Or read. I kill time. I’m not doing anything. And I tell myself I deserve a break.

Sometimes that is even true. But who needs to spend hours on social media? Sure, I take some valuable lessons away and some things do stick. But beyond that, I am not moving at all. In any direction. Or with purpose.

Another video I watched talked about how fatal inaction can be. Letting everything happen to you and not taking action. Whether that is writing a journal, going for a walk, doing that work-out, paying off that debt, approaching someone new, or even just saying no to more work on your plate.

There are so many ways in which we can and should take action but never do. We feel powerless and let things happen. We let our lives happen to us instead of taking charge of it. How is that acceptable?

Sure, there is a time and place for social media. It can serve a purpose. But surely not for hours at a time.

And feeling like a slouch on your sofa and complaining about that flabby belly is not going to improve by eating more junk food and putting off yet another walk or work-out.

I’m officially out of excuses.

Let’s get going.

Still lost somehow

by 2clouds

Not a day goes by when I don’t think that I must write. This blog is lurking at the back of my mind and I know I really should get back to it. I’ve let this happen in the past. I start something and then I let it slide until it seems no longer relevant. Or too late. It’s been so long now, I might as well give up. Right?

I have had a busy two months with job changes, more responsibility, less time, and waiting for things to settle into a new rhythm. I’m getting there.

So, what brought me here today of all days?

Hurt.

And writing is the only thing that helps. It always has been.

Sometimes it seems people can only be relied upon to hurt you. Cheerful thought, huh? I’d like to say it’s not all that bad, but lately, it seems I am more vulnerable. I get hurt more easily. By friends, by circumstances. Whatever.

Why is that? Is my skin getting thinner? I’m a spread more thinly? Spread out too much and less resilient than I usually am? Too tired? Not enough time to recover?

Let’s just think about this year, how very long it has been. The first half of it spent in lockdown, hardly seeing anyone, mostly at home, stressed about money, lonely.

And then life kicks back into gear, the job picks up, overtime comes back, no real summer, no real holiday, everybody busy, a promotion, still not out of the woods where money is concerned, friends who make themselves scarce, too many people too soon, and still remaining lonely.

All in all, I’d say I’m coping remarkably well. But coping isn’t exactly healing and I feel lost some days. Unless I’m busy, which is just another coping mechanism.

Today I decided to go for more mindfulness. Not watching something mindless and distracting, but finishing a book I started a while back. Not scrolling through social media so much. What am I even looking for? Just something lighthearted, I suppose. Something to make me smile, take the edge away.

But I keep scrolling and eventually, it just doesn’t do it anymore. I put the phone away, not knowing what to do with myself. I even thought I should get a hobby that doesn’t involve screens or anything electronic. I think that’s actually a good idea.

The hurt has dissipated somewhat. I think others are just as thin-skinned as I am. I triggered someone and she lashed out at me. I don’t exactly know what I triggered, but her response hurt. I had no ill-intention. Not that that helps. It’s not a particularly good excuse, is it?

When you feel lost, you just want someone to find you, I suppose. It makes us feel less alone. But I guess it’s up to me to find myself.

Writing helps because it allows me to simply ramble and sort through my thoughts. It is probably not even worth publishing but getting this out is better than keeping it inside.