Author: 2clouds

Constant distraction

by 2clouds

When you have little to nothing to do, it is fascinating to observe yourself seeking constant distraction.

So, I had the last two days off. On Monday, I was tired and suffering from a sleep deficit. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything and only did the bare minimum.

Yesterday, I felt much better, having rested enough, and went about my day, running errands, going for a ride, doing laundry, and whatever else one does. I didn’t work. And I didn’t really write either.

But I noticed how every distraction seemed to be welcome. The TV was on and off, I read articles about random stuff, watched the news, scrolled through social media, watched a bunch of YouTube videos, and overall felt really quite restless.

I didn’t stick with anything for very long and was somewhat annoyed with myself. None of it ultimately mattered in any way. I didn’t learn anything very useful, though I didn’t feel like my day was wasted entirely as I did do some things that needed doing and I went on an enjoyable ride.

My mind feels restless still. I don’t seem to be able to concentrate and whilst I feel like I want to just read or something to focus my mind better, my thoughts keep straying.

At least, I switched my phone off. And I have to go to work today, even though I don’t really feel like it right now. It’ll be fine once I get there because it always is, but for now, I keep feeling restless and somewhat useless.

I decided to sit down and write about it just so I have something to focus me for a little while. The thing is also that my mind feels cluttered, and I know I need a break from this constant input I’m subjecting myself to. Watching a million videos on YouTube isn’t going to help. Just scrolling through all the recommended videos is too much, really.

What I need to do is close my eyes for a moment, let this clutter go from my mind, and perhaps read a chapter of the book I’m currently reading.

I mean, what do you do when you can concentrate, and your mind seeks distraction at every turn? Stop yourself and stare at a wall? Do you force yourself to do something specific or nothing at all?

Right now, quiet should help. Because everything else is making it worse. And I really don’t need this constant distraction. I need focus and clarity.

Not every day is a good day

by 2clouds

Live anyway.

That’s today’s motto, I suppose.

I’m tired. I probably have a sleep deficit from my long shifts this weekend and I woke straight out of a vivid dream that left me irritated.

I went for a brief walk to deposit of some things and felt somewhat better after. The sun is out again, spring is becoming more and more visible. It really should be quite an enjoyable day, especially since I have off.

But this tiredness is a drag and makes this day feel like a wasted opportunity. An opportunity to do what, though?

Am I missing out on anything right now? Could I be more productive? Is there anything I really should be doing today?

I could easily answer all these questions with a ‘yes’, but then what? Is there truly anything I am missing out on? Do I want to be doing anything other than what I am doing this instant?

No. Not really. I am writing right now. I might be tired, and my eyes feel like they are in dire need of rest, but I can still do this, and it is better than the alternative, which really would be doing nothing at all.

As for productivity, that’s another can of worms right there. We’re not born to be productive. And the meaning of life is not found in increased productivity. None of us should be measured by how productive we are.

That said, productivity can be a means to an end, but it should be healthy and employed in such a way that it doesn’t make us feel as if we are always just hustling or trying to catch up in some way. I have more thoughts on the matter, which I still have to sort through before writing about them further.

Not every day is a good day. But this too shall pass.

Thankfully, we inevitably move forward in time. That is the nature of how we perceive this universe and at the end of today, a new tomorrow awaits. Maybe tomorrow won’t be a particularly good day either. Not every day will shine or be spectacular. It will be different, though.

If you are worried about today, whether you have wasted your time, simply caught an opportunity to rest, or if you have missed out on something, ask yourself whether this will still matter next week. Do you really think that in ten days’ time you will look back on today and wonder what the lull was about or tell yourself that you could have done better? Do you still remember last week’s bad day(s)? Does it still matter?

We live through the bad days one at a time. Just as we do with the good days.

And by the way, saying that it could be worse (which is usually true but utterly useless), won’t make anything better either. Whatever any given day might feel like – good, bad, wasted, full of opportunities – we still have to live each day as it comes. We make the best of it and move on to the next.

Sitting in the window

by 2clouds

I have a windowsill that is wide enough for me to sit on. When I don’t use it as a seat, I plant lives here and a few lights that I use when it gets dark.

It’s not the comfiest place to sit, especially since it isn’t super wide. But I like it as I don’t have a balcony and I get to watch out. I can see the sunset in the evenings, watch the traffic or people walking by, or I work on my laptop enjoying the natural light.

I usually sit here every day at least at some point and I’m doing so right now. Watching people walk their dogs is a much better distraction than whatever is on TV.

It is also a good place for some thinking. When you have nothing much else to do and watch the world pass by your window, you have room to contemplate, commiserate or plan.

If I don’t have my laptop on my lap, it is actually also an excellent spot to get away from work for a bit. Even on rainy days. Or perhaps, especially on rainy days.

I didn’t write yesterday. For some reason, I thought I might have scheduled a post on Friday, but I hadn’t and only realized today that I ended up skipping on posting yesterday.

There are plenty of things I want to write about, so it’s not a lack of topics that kept me from writing. It was simply a false assumption and ultimately I wasn’t worried about it.

Today, I thought I should write again, though I also realized I didn’t want to get into anything too deep. I started writing about something else but deleted the paragraph almost immediately because it would have involved more thinking than I felt up to on a Sunday morning.

I worked late last night, and I am off to work again soon. I will enjoy the sunny weather on the way to work. And writing another blog just doesn’t seem that important right now. I want to enjoy the sun, the fresh air and mentally prepare for another shift.

It is important to me to keep up with this blog and not let things slide again, but there are times when feeling the sun on your skin and not overthinking anything is more important. This, too, is self-care.

I will be back here tomorrow and find another topic to write about.

For now, I will sit here in quiet for a few more minutes and later jump on my bicycle and have a lovely ride to work with not a care in the world.

When it matters

by 2clouds

I doubt myself a lot. We all do, I suppose. Unless you’re of the rare breed of people who have a ton of unearned confidence.

I mostly doubt my writing. Especially when it matters; anytime I have to prove I can write.

I’m afraid I won’t have any good ideas. Or my writing will sound contrived. Too idiosyncratic. Or I’m not capturing the voice the client is looking for.

There are dozens of reasons in which my writing could be found wanting. I choke. I end up feeling paralyzed, wondering how I ever managed to put a single word down. How I will ever manage again.

My head empties of all words and ideas.

It is quite awful. Though I wouldn’t necessarily call it writer’s block. I still want to write, and I still know how to. It’s just that this doubt becomes overpowering just for a minute or two.

Then I pull myself together. I remember what is at stake and I get to work. If a client isn’t satisfied, they will either give me pointers to allow me to adapt my work accordingly, or we part ways.

At the end of the day, I can only improve. All writing I do is a learning experience. This is also true for every article I publish here. Sometimes I feel as if I am just rambling incoherently. I certainly hope that’s not the case and I do proof-read my articles before I publish them. At least, to catch any typos and make sure that there is some sort of structure or thought one can follow.

When it comes to freelance writing, I often get guidelines to follow, which I simply must stick to and do my best.

Right now, I must find new writing gigs as my current client is still not providing new assignments. I have to make ends meet next month and beyond. So, I will have to bite the bullet and submit writing examples to be judged accordingly.

I know I can work something out. I may doubt myself in some ways (as we all do), but I have never doubted my capacity to keep going. In German, we have the word ‘Urvertrauen’, which is basically a deep-seated faith that there is a way. I have always had a lot of that.

I know I can trust in my abilities. Any writer is critical of their writing. Any poet, painter, artist of any kind is their own worst critic. I know there is plenty of room to learn and improve as well. But I’ve been doing this for eight years, sometimes even full-time.

I can do this. I will do this. I must.

How’s this for a pep talk, ey?

Facing reality

by 2clouds

To face anything head-on is a challenge. Whether it is that tough talk with a friend, loved one, or even a colleague. Or whether it is asking for something from just about anyone. Or facing a truth we would much rather avoid.

Most of us are pretty good at postponing such things. We want to avoid confrontations, with others and with ourselves.

Confrontations are unpleasant. It could be something as simple as looking at your stovetop and facing the fact that it is overdue for a cleaning. For a few days, we look at it and think to ourselves that it’s still usable and we’ll do the cleaning as soon as we have a spare moment. It doesn’t feel urgent, and as long as the stovetop can be used without leaving us feeling disgusted, the issue isn’t really there.

Until the day we shudder looking at it and using it one more time before cleaning it becomes unacceptable.

A silly example, perhaps, but representative of so many other things we put off because they don’t sufficiently disgust us or have become unsustainable or unacceptable.

What about that flaky friend who is always suggesting that we do something but never committing to anything specific? They only check in with us when it suits them, but as soon as we check to see if they are available, they make excuses or even accuse us of monopolizing their time.

Facing the reality that this person may not actually be our friend or at least, not a very good friend, is difficult, especially when we are of the forgiving kind and want to believe that we wouldn’t choose such people to befriend, to begin with.

Not only do we have to face the fact that we may lose someone we somehow care about despite their unreliable behavior, but also that we didn’t make a good choice in befriending them at all.

Or what about asking for that raise that is not only overdue but that you definitely deserve and that was even agreed upon, but nothing has happened since then? Here the battle is one we fight against ourselves because we may not wish to appear demanding or simply find it unpleasant to address the issue of a pay rise. It seems ridiculous because we are only asking for something we are due.

Another example is our reluctance to face any sort of debt we might have. It seems to speak to financial irresponsibility or bad money management skills. Something none of us would be happy to admit to.

Any debt we accrue is always our fault, right? We signed up for that credit card and kept using it. Do you look at your credit card bills when they arrive? Do you pay the minimum rate to pay off your debt or do you have a better plan? Does it make you feel guilty to use the card again despite the debt you have already accrued?

Whatever it is that we are trying to avoid (and often it is probably multiple things at once), sooner or later we must face reality. We must face that unreliable friend and potentially walk away from them. We must face our debt and tackle it actively. We must ask for that raise because we deserve it. Or we simply must bloody well clean up that stupid stovetop to exert some sort of control over this chaotic life we juggle every single day.

It may very well be a daily struggle to keep doing just that. But the truth is, not facing the reality of bad friends, debt, dirty stovetops, or whatever else we are avoiding has consequences that are simply unacceptable. Because debt will continue to grow, dirt could eventually make us sick and bad friends are bad for our mental and emotional well-being.

Confronting those realities one at a time will never be a pleasant experience, but ignoring any of them will make things infinitely worse in the long run.

A life-long minimalist

by 2clouds

Minimalism has been a key concept that has been making the rounds for the past several years. Decluttering your life is inherently connected to Marie Kondo and her method, but other streams of minimalism have emerged as well.

I have watched hundreds of videos on YouTube about the subject, though I’ve never read the book and didn’t watch the movie either. But I have been curious as to how others are doing it and what their approach is.

As it is, I’m not following in anyone’s footsteps. I don’t declutter according to the Konmari method, I don’t get rid of all my belongings to become an extreme minimalist. I don’t furnish everything in white or at least very light colours. I have not eliminated all decorations either.

In fact, I have lived my own brand of minimalism for my entire adult life and even as a teen.

As children, my brother and I shared a room. We are very close in age and apartment-living in Berlin usually means limited room for every child to have their own. But eventually, I did get my own room and whilst I am the older sibling, I opted to take the smaller room. I felt I didn’t need a big room.

When my brother and I moved out from home and into a new apartment together, I opted for the smaller room again. When we moved after three years, I again took the smaller room available.

I never needed the bigger space. I had everything I could possibly want and since I never owned a ton of stuff, I didn’t need much furniture to store it in and was happy anyway.

My brother is the hoarder in the family. As in, he owns more stuff than anyone else in the family and keeps things on a ‘just in case’ basis. The concept of decluttering is foreign to him. Or has been until his most recent move into a smaller apartment for the first time in his life. His old apartment was massive, though, and the pandemic taught him that he really didn’t want to look after such a big place. So, he decided to downsize and realised just how much he would need to get rid of to make the new place work.

I have never been materialistic. I like a new shirt or new shoes as much as the next person. But I can only wear one pair of shoes at a time and usually don’t wear a lot of tops at once either (unless to layer in winter).

I have always had everything I needed and often more than that.

What really did it for me, though, was the decision to travel full time for several years. I had to get rid of all my furniture and decided to get rid of everything else that didn’t serve me on my travels, or I knew I wouldn’t want to come back to after. I left a few things with my brother and some more with my parents. But I didn’t want to clutter up their storage either, so most of my possession were donated or gifted to friends and family.

It was the most liberating experience of decluttering in my life.

Travelling and living in various countries on a temporary basis also meant that I didn’t accrue many new possessions. In my time in England, where I lived almost four years in total, I did end up gathering more than I had previously. But when I moved back to Germany and ended up in Hamburg, I still only had a few items, which I shipped across the channel at a rather inexpensive rate.

Settling down in Hamburg meant I needed furniture and all kinds of other things to equip an apartment with, most of which I hadn’t owned for years.

That cost money and since I tend to live more frugally, I didn’t spend a ton of money on new stuff either.

I have since moved to a new place and changed quite a few things. When I first arrived in Hamburg, I truly didn’t know how long I would stay, but now I am more settled, and I wanted my place to reflect me more. I felt the desire to create a home, which looks very different to a place where you know you won’t stay forever.

Whilst I currently own more things than I ever have in my life, my place is not cluttered. Far from it. Most of my furniture is open. I have only one set of drawers, and even my wardrobe is open hanging space.

I keep decorations minimal as I have never been a fan of kitsch. I own a solid capsule wardrobe that I am still adjusting here and there. My kitchen is sufficiently equipped for one person, and it is oddly the only place that tends to feel cluttered sometimes.

I’m happy with my version of minimalism and don’t feel the need to subscribe to anyone else’s version of it. After all, I had thirty years of experience with it now and know what I want and need.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t a minimalist traveller right away. But I will talk about that another time.

Freelance anxiety

by 2clouds

I suppose this is what you might call the feeling you get when you are in danger of losing a client. It’s not pleasant. There is an element of existential dread because your clients are your source of income. And when you lose one, your income shrinks.

I’m a freelance writer. I have currently one main client I am working for, and it’s been a good working relationship for over six years. Sometimes there has been more work, other times less. They’ve gone through changes as well since they’ve been swallowed by bigger companies several times over the years.

But my main contact has remained the same and he always wanted me to stay on board, which I was happy to do.

Last year, in the wake of the pandemic, I had to let go of a client who had become unreachable and only paid my invoices after I had to remind him repeatedly. He always did pay but having to chase my money made me so anxious that I didn’t want to deal with him anymore. Plus, he never explained what happened.

That left me with one main client as well as another one who only sporadically requested content from me. I made it work and ended up getting enough assignments from my main client to keep going.

After the latest change on their end, I received a new contract to work as a freelance contractor and a set new hourly rate, which is what they preferred to work with. That was fine by me and for the last few months, this has been working quite nicely. I log my hours with my main contact, whom I’ve been working with for such a long time now and things seemed to go smoothly.

But now it has been three weeks since my last assignment and I’ve almost completed the work I was given to keep me going when nothing more urgent was coming in. Once I will have submitted that, I am out of work and that does not feel good.

Thus far, I have always received new assignments, even when work was slow on their end. And I am still meeting the minimum income threshold that I have set myself for my freelance work. But I have no security beyond that.

My other job earns me enough to pay all my bills. So that is covered. But since I work only part-time, it doesn’t earn me enough to help save money for the more pleasant things in life. I can make do for a while. But that’s really not where I want to be right now.

I need more work. I need other streams of income. Perhaps new clients. Or, ideally, I make money with my own blog, right here.

It takes time to build an audience, however. And even more so one that is willing to support your work. I want to offer something that is of value to someone. Ideally, to more than just someone but to many people.

Apart from these musings I have been sharing these last few days, this blog is also meant to provide actual content about minimalism, traveling, and photography. And there is the creative writing I ought to be doing.

I guess I’m going to have to stop musing and get started writing.

Staying focussed

by 2clouds

Distractions are everywhere. And our monkey brains are only too happy to follow each and every one of them.

Staying focused can be difficult. It requires us to be mindful. We must exert as much control as we can upon our immediate environment to avoid distractions.

I just switched on the ‘Focus’ function in Word. I’ve never done this before. I have noticed the little button at the bottom of the document, but I’ve never clicked on it. But since I literally just started writing this blog, I decided to see what happens when I do.

It enlarged the page I am working on to cover the screen entirely with only black margins on each side. I still get a little ‘x’ to exit out of this view in the top right-hand corner, but that’s about it.

This option eliminates at least visual distractions from my workspace on my laptop. I don’t see the navigation menu at the bottom, which takes me to my email or the open browser.

Out of sight, out of mind?

Perhaps. Until my monkey brain is fed up with staring at the page (in such cases that words don’t come easily or at all). Then I would probably minimize the document and seek distractions online. They are, after all, far more entertaining than an empty page.

But as I am writing this, I find this feature to be quite useful. Just now I found myself glancing at the corner where the time is normally visible. Why? Because the time is important right now? Or because I want to know how much time I have spent writing? Does it matter?

Earlier, I’ve turned off the Wi-Fi on my phone and put it away. Another distraction put aside. I have no need to check messages or social media right now, so I am making the effort of keeping my phone – this massive source of distraction – far away. It helps.

Depending on the writing I’m doing, I’d be better off switching off my Wi-Fi on my laptop as well. If I then wanted to check the news or go on a random research bout, I’d have to switch it back on again to connect to the Internet. Whilst not a difficult step to take, it might make me pause just for a moment as to why I feel the need to do this now and whether it is such a good idea.

If you leave your connection on, emails are certain to pop up sooner or later and it does require a bit more of a mental effort to withstand the temptation to move over to your browser. That is what I am doing right now, and it feels very conscious. As in, my connection is active and because I am writing about this topic, the idea of switching over using the combination of just two keys on my keyboard looms massively in my mind.

It would be so easy, but I am not going to fall for this trap. Because I am writing right now on the topic of staying focussed.

Of course, the Internet isn’t the only distraction I am referring to. Considering the goals I have, there is a host of other distractions I could succumb to. And inevitably will at some point.

My job is a distraction from my goal of writing. My sofa is a distraction from my goal of working out more. The TV is a distraction from reading. Shopping for my ideal travel backpack is a distraction from saving money.

Some distractions we can eliminate. Others we have to actively evade. I’m not going to throw my TV out, but I can leave it switched off. I will keep looking for that ideal travel backpack, but I am not going to hit purchase on an impulse buy anytime soon. I will set aside time for writing any opportunity I get. And I will not lounge on the sofa until I have done my workout.

Staying focussed is chiefly a mission of being as mindful as possible. It’s not a battle we will always win. I know my vices. I can work around them most of the time, but I also don’t feel the need to try and eliminate them entirely. As long as they don’t keep me from doing what I want to do.

And there are ways we can make it easier on ourselves. By using the ‘Focus’ function, leaving the phone out of reach and switching things off when we don’t need them.

When I actively work on my focus, I also become very conscious of my thoughts straying here and there, seeking distractions, or wondering about the time or my messages or whatever. It’s a strange sensation to become aware of, especially since I don’t give in.

Perhaps this is part of the dopamine detox everyone talks about?

Interesting…

Until the lesson is learned

by 2clouds

Are we bound to repeat the same mistakes and continue in the same patterns until the lesson is learned?

That’s what I keep reading anyway.

I don’t believe the universe is testing me by sending me people or putting me in situations that require me to break a pattern or continue to grow. The universe is not interested in me or my life enough to make such moves.

But we seek such people or situations out ourselves, consciously or unconsciously.

I keep reaching for the wrong people. Always the ones that don’t reach back. I’ve written about this before. It’s a pattern that I am aware of. It’s not that I do this all the time. But over the years, I keep running into people that I end up wanting to hold onto even though the effort is not returned.

There is one such person in my life right now. I have plenty of reason to like her and to pursue a friendship. But the effort is not returned. It was, for a while. It no longer is, though. And still, I keep trying.

It takes a lot for me to give up on someone. When I ultimately do give up, it is out of the need to protect myself from hurting any longer. And it’s not as if these people go out of their way to hurt me (not actively and at least most of the time), but I am hurting, nonetheless.

Do I have to keep letting people go until someone decides they want to stay? I don’t need a ton of friends in my life. But the ones I choose, I always hope will choose me as well. And enough of them do. But when someone doesn’t, or I am not sure that they do, are they just another lesson for me to learn to let go? To stop reaching for someone who doesn’t reach for me?

This is just one example of the many repeated patterns we can’t easily shake. We always end up in the same or similar situations and keep making the same mistake. Usually, because we hope for a different outcome. Perhaps this time things will be different.

But why would they?

What reason do we have to believe that things will be different this time? Because we can’t be that unlucky again?

Except, we bring these situations about and these people into our lives, at least in part. We attract them and don’t say no to them. We go into it with an unfounded hope that we’ll do better this time.

And eventually, we will. When the lesson is finally learned. I know this from experience.

I know I have a tendency to attract or be attracted to emotionally unavailable people. And I want more from them than they are able to give. It’s not their fault. If the interest would be mutual, the effort would be equal. It’s not. I can’t blame them. And I don’t.

But letting go and moving on is not one of my strengths. I have to keep working on it. People come and go. Most of the time with most people we are okay with that. But there are those we don’t just want to let go again. It sucks when we realize we might have to.

It sucks to realize that they might be part of a lesson you have yet to finally learn.

I get better at it. But I don’t think I will ever be good at it.

When to pull yourself together

by 2clouds

I’m exhausted today. Two long shifts at work with a rather late finish at nearly 1 am yesterday (or today, if you prefer). Not enough sleep, obviously. With the days getting longer again and the sun out all day, any attempt to even try and sleep some more is doomed to fail. Also, tomorrow I have an early shift, so there was no point in trying to sleep in today.

My brain feels muddled and hay fever has struck me down as well. It’s a beautiful spring day outside and I can barely get up from the sofa.

What a lovely day off…

Oddly, I still managed to get some stuff done. Such as laundry, making lunch for the next three days, dusting, and even ordering new glasses, which I’ve been putting off for weeks.

I keep thinking that I need to get up and go check on my motorbike because I really wanted to take it to work tomorrow. I really really do. It’s been such a long time since I rode my bike and I miss it. The weather is perfect right now. But I can’t move.

It seems a miracle that I managed to do as much as I did. This includes writing anything at all.

There is still time. I can still jump on my bicycle and visit the parking garage to check on my bike. I can still enjoy some sunshine and the warmth they bring. I can still buy some grapefruits.

That’s what I keep telling myself, even though I just want to take a nap.

The question is, do I need to pull myself together and go out to do what I feel I should (perhaps even must)? Or do I allow myself the rest my body clearly needs?

Will I regret not checking on my bike and therefore definitely not taking it to work tomorrow, instead of cycling as usual, which also provides a lot of enjoyment in weather like this?

Will I regret not getting up to get myself fresh grapefruit?

I could do one and not the other. If I decided to check on the bike, I have no excuse not to also go to the grocery store as it would be on the way home anyway. But since the garage is further away than the grocery store, I might still go to the latter and only have half the regrets when skipping on one but not both errands.

We all have arguments with ourselves very much like this all the time. We are tired or even exhausted and still have a bunch of things we want to do or could do or even need to do. We feel bad for being tired. We feel that we need to pull ourselves together and simply do what we must, and things will perhaps sort themselves out. We can always sleep later.

Or we want to avoid feeling guilty over the things we leave in favor of resting. We want to avoid regrets down the line.

Often it is really just about small things, a bunch of errands or chores. But bigger things can be involved as well, commitments, decisions, or people. I’m not going to get into the big questions of life, mind you. Not right now anyway.

The fact of the matter is my body tells me no. It needs rest. It doesn’t want to jump on a bicycle and ride anywhere. And I will survive not riding my motorbike to work tomorrow. I will also be able to do without a grapefruit tonight.

And perhaps, in an hour, I feel up for it after all.

We generally know when we are still capable of pulling ourselves together for one reason or another. We have enough energy left to do just that. But there are times, when it shouldn’t be necessary, and it shouldn’t leave us with feelings of guilt or regret either.

We shouldn’t ignore when we need a break or proper rest.

We’re always told to have healthy boundaries with the people in our lives. We must also have boundaries with ourselves, which includes recognizing our needs instead of pushing them away.